I went running today for the first time in what seems like ages and attended all my classes yesterday. Yesterday was sandwich day, when I have to eat something on the go because of the length of the time I am out. That was ok. I still can't get over how calorific shop bought sarnies are though. Unless you get the diet branded ones they are like 400 calories or something. Aaaanyway. I'm much more comfortable with something that has the nutritional crappola on the label than trying to make my own at this point so 'light choices' it is.

I'm still fighting with this gloomy depressed feeling. Trying to talk myself through and out of it. Trying to stay occupied - more video games less misery, all that jazz. I'm dreading spending time alone with a family member over the weekend because there might be a 'discussion' about some of my mental health stuff. Once that is over with hopefully I will begin to feel better. It's stupid, feeling so afriad of people being nice to you. I can't help it though. The feelings of duty to hide how I am.

I am still reflecting on the discussion with my CPN. She seemed to agree with Jakey that my bounce backs after OD-ing and crises are odd and a 'complete denial of emotions'. How do you get out of denial? I don't feel like I am denying anything. After the shit storm has passed I just feel like I want to get back on the horse and get on with life. I can't afford to feel battered and bruised.

It's peeing it down here, I managed to finish my run just as it started awesomely. I actually love running in the rain but I worry about my poor iPod getting soaked.

I listened to the beginning of Barak Obamas speech last night on the radio before I dropped off. Dude, this man got the Nobel Peace Prize?

He began by pitching the sending of 30,000 more troops to Afgan as a favour to them. He spoke of how the country was left in tatters after the Russians withdrew and how because efforts were consentrated in Iraq (because of Bush naughty naughty) lack of focus on the country let things go downhill. He spoke of how this allowed al Qaeda to get a hold on the place. He then went on to talk about how the forces had made it possible for an election to be held (great election that turned out to be) and all that kind of thing.

Then part way through he switched into 'we must protect America from terrorists threats and go get all the terrorists in Afgan and Pakistan' and I almost sat up in bed.

"I make this decision because I am convinced that our security is at stake in Afghanistan and Pakistan. This is the epicenter of the violent extremism practiced by al Qaeda. It is from here that we were attacked on 9/11, and it is from here that new attacks are being plotted as I speak."

This is where I fell asleep but I read he carried on with

"The people of Afghanistan have endured violence for decades. They have been confronted with occupation – by the Soviet Union, and then by foreign al Qaeda fighters who used Afghan land for their own purposes."

Oh dear.

And the post man came 3 times today wtf?

I have been self medicating with: Nutmeg and Vanilla lipbalm

FFS

I am really sad and afraid right now because Jakey and I have been at logger heads for some time. He seems to be very miserable and sees the future as very bleak and negative. I feel so alone from him at the moment. That he is angry at me.

Can someone with a 'mental illness' whatever that means, have a successful relationship? Or are you just setting your loved one up for pain and heart ache? Wouldn't I be better on my own not hurting anyone?

Does it matter that things have changed and improved if he still feels so bad about me, what I do, who I am, and so low about the future.

He says while I am self harming everything else, all the happy times, are a lie. And frankly that outlook devastates me. How can I live under a cloud so black that while I am myself we cannot be happy, that doing anything other than being miserable is a lie? It doesn't feel like a lie to me, the good things feel real and are important - really important, so for him to take that away from me...

He came with me to see my CPN in what was a very difficult meeting. I thought it would help to be able to work out some kind of crisis plan so we can both feel more in control. It didn't exactly turn out that way and he seems worse then ever. It's exhausting me. This never ending pain. That sounds melodramatic oi?

Perhaps things weren't helped by my CPN saying she didn't know anyone who self harms as severely as me and that I take it to a whole different level. Which is distressing and confusing for me to hear so I sure it was bad for him too.

I'm just trying to get by you know? Go to Uni, have a life, build a better life. I can't fix it all overnight, or over many nights, and I accept things can be bad. But I also need to feel there is hope, that things can get better, that there can be happy times, and right now he is taking that away from me and I feel afraid.

I need to keep going. I can't sit back and think about 'how bad things are' or believe things are a lie.

And now he has gone out all deflated and I am terrified of what will come back.

I have been self medicating with: Cans of diet coke and getting Uni work done.

Some fail some win

So I have failed on the not drinking. But I haven't had too much to drink or been drunk or drunk every night. Poor Jakey is confusedabout the whole thing but meh, my reasons for totally stopping were a) I was worried it was ruining my sleep b)I was worried it was making my moods worse and c) I was worried it was bad for my weight.

My sleep is better if I take my meds early in the day and not related to alcohol. I had a major mood tip when sober and my weight sholdn't be a concern really. So yeah that's the justification. Maybe it's lame but frankly I've spent too long depriving myself of things to cut out something I enjoy relatively guilt free. Lame.

Jakey has been snoring his head off, almost literally. He is on holiday and has been up late playing and then snoring it up all morning. Is fun and very relaxing for me to go to bed with someone up and about.

I got all my Uni work done before the last minute this week which made a change and my 'special class' tutorial went really well. She said I was working at the level of a high first which is reassuring as we don't often get the opportunity for feedback and are left wondering if we are doign really well or really shit.

Seeing my CPN on Monday morning. Early start. Can do that (?!)

Need to collect my next prescription too, might try and get Jakey to do it when he wakes up. Hate going to the surgery.

I have been self medicating with: Christmas diet coke

La la and no po

I have been doing well not drinking. The challenge will be the weekend. I suspect X-Factor will be in credibly boring without wine but we'll give it a go. I saw my CPN yesterday. Dragging myself out of bed for a morning start was torture. These meds mean I need so much more sleep but I ache at night and it's hard to get comfortable. I seem to be sleeping lightly and waking often.

I told her about the one incident this week where I had felt very compelled to but avoided taking another OD. She was pleased, as am I, and has got me a list of crisis numbers and overnight places to have by the phone. In a way it feels somewhat of a step back, because I haven't been this all over the place for so long, but then again I am certainly dealing with it better than the last round, actually taking the steps to prevent problems rather than letting them happen.

My head is full of burble at the moment. I keep having these intense dreams which I have started writing down and they take on a life of their own in fiction even after I wake up. It's nice to be writing again creatively, something that has come back along with the more bugnuts bits.

Being off the wellbutrin and having that huge cloak of anxiety lifted I feel like some of my personality has come back. Both the bad and the good. It's relieving. I have walked home from Uni a bunch of times on my own. Gone running even when it's starting to get dark. I feel more free and more alive if knackered at lot of the time.

I have been self medicating with: Cans of diet coke - tastes so much better than bottles

Going forward not back

I have decided to give up alcohol until Christmas. With the duloxetine making me be more urgy, or rather not suppressing my self destructive urges the same way the wellbutrin did, it's not worth the risk to add alcohol into the mix. Plus with the amount of sleep I seem to need at the moment if I drink in the evening the next day is basically a write off and I have no time to do anything except go through the rituals of getting ready for Uni.

I need to start getting up earlier so I have time to run and stuff each day. And get my work done on an ongoing basis. It's not even that I go to bed too late. I just need so much sleep on this bloody stuff. Or maybe I don't it just makes waking up and getting started much harder.

I am armed with energy drinks and hope to get tomorrow off on the right foot.

I found my journal from when I was in hospital last night. What strange reading. It's totally like a different person and nothing like the one I feel like at the moment. It brought back the sheer hell of it, the panic at the forced weight gain. How immensely paranoid I was that people thought me fat and greedy - which in retrospect makes no sense as I was being kept there for anorexia and they were struggling to make me keep my feeding tube in. It was horrible to realise how confused, scared and miserable I was. And yes I still wish I were 10-15lbs lighter, but I don't want the eating disorder back, no way.

Anorexia is so not glamorous. It's all about shitting yourself with refeeding syndrome and having to beg the cute doctor for Imodium because you are scared to sleep in case you end up like Spud in Trainspotting only for him to tell you you're heart is too weak for any drugs that can help. It's about having to tell the nurse watching you that's you'll have to sit near a bathroom for the next two hours after your morning meds because they make you like Kenny from Southpark. It's about having someone write down every time you go the bathroom and whether it's for a one or a two.

And eating half your dinner off the floor when you are taken off the tube and onto solid foods because you say that's what you deserve. Making the nurses cry and the other patients visitors make comments like 'I don't know how that young girl can get a man to fancy her looking like that' as if the curtain between your beds blocks off sound as well as vision.

And having to get your bewbies out every morning for an ECG and cringing when they full the stickers off because you've grown fur on your chest. Yeah they call it languno like it makes it better you have a hairy chest and back.

Sexy oy!

So I still have to read the paper for tomorrows 'special class' even though it's past midnight and omg I just discovered Warren Ellis's blog were I not skint I would buy the TOTW every week. Hell I would buy Warren to come and read me bedtime stories.

I have been self medicating with: I read Identity Crisis last night. Wow. That is some messed up shit right there. I thought the plot device was a little soap opera but the things it allowed us to find out... yeesh.

On and on

Well the anxiety is always worse than the actuality isn't it?

Seeing the CPN was fine. I was suprising how naturally we just started talking again. She did notice my weight loss and we had a brief discussion about how ill I had been before. Sometimes it helps to remember it wasn't a completely different person who was in that place especially as time goes on. Mostly we talked about my self harm and the recent OD. It was really not as hard as I had anticipated. I didn't ask why she had been off, I didn't feel it would have been appropriate, but I did say I was very glad she was back so I hope that conveyed... you know.

In more fun news the local library has reshuffled thegraphic novels it holds so I got a bunch of fun stuff. The first Authority - I heart Warren Ellis, a Nightwing story - holy hardcore, the first Fables book, the second Whiteout book - awesome, and a bumper Justice League collection.

Ran yesterday. No time today but did do a workout DVD at home. Got class this evening my hair is still wet - ulp.

I have been self medicating with: Soya milk

Scorcio

I decided not to exercise today in spite of feeling really fat and horrible because I woke up sneezing my head off and it's just freezing. Will get back at it tomorrow though. In stead I plonked myself in front of the lap top and got a bunch of work done. It was good because I was feeling overwhelmed by the volume of work but I feel caught up now.

I have my 'special class' tutorial this afternoon followed by lectures. Feels like a long day and I will have to try and grab a snack in between times to keep myself going. Or perhaps get back on the coffee wagon.

Tomorrow is going to be odd. I really value my free mid week but I see my CPN for the first time in ages and then have to go in to have another meeting about my dissertation. I think my dissertation is in much better shape now than it was but whether Mr Supervisor will agree, we'll see. I'm anxious about seeing my CPN because she has been off sick for so long. Because my weight has dropped since I last saw her but by no where near as much as I'd like. Because I am worried about what was wrong with her and if it was in some way my fault or if she might be leaving as a result of it. Don't like not knowing. Jakey is all about the plans and I am too though in a different way. I like to plan and partition emotionally. I can be spontaneous and reckless in my actions but it is all about keeping the emotional in neat contained boxes.

I have been self medicating with: Hot tea