Blood and Guts in Blogland

Without skin

2012-01-23T10:33:00.000Z

Therapy was really weird today. I feel like at the moment we are in a battle not and allegiance.He was telling me 'You're in control, you think you're bad so you make yourself bad, damaged, disgusting and you never give anyone else the chance to decide, you decide, you're in the driving seat''But if you know something is sour you just know, it would be pretty cruel to ask people to taste it''Because you know what you're like, you're sour''If you cut yourself you patch it up you don't wave it around to see if it gets infected - that would be a pretty risky experiment''Well psychotherapy can be like that, and sometimes we get it wrong, but yes in a way it is like being cut'More like flayed I think'I feel like you're the picador stabbing and wounding the bull before it goes out to the fight, making it weak and.... enraged... and usually in a bullfight the bull dies''I am aware that you have to go away with all of this, and how hard that is''I didn't realise it would be this hard. I didn't realise it would be this hard this soon' for some reason I am crying.'I'm sorry, and I'm sorry maybe I did push you too hard this session and I'm aware it's a long time untill you come back because I'm away so I'm sorry it feels like this''Because I have no means to comfort''I know'What was weird was that as soon as I left the room the tears stopped and the feelings stopped, I didn't feel sad and this thought 'Ha fuck you, I made you be just a little bit nice to me' popped into my head 'We're still dancing to the beat of my drum'It wasn't as if they way I was reacting in the session was me trying to provoke sympathy, I wasn't really thinking, but afterwards this sense of having won something back arrived. I don't know... weird.I have been self medicating with: Clean hair - it always helps

CPN

2012-01-19T10:31:00.000Z

I saw my care co-ordinator this morning. It felt like ages since I had last seen her because of all the therapy stuff in between I think. She is very obviously pregnant now, I don't know if that happened since our last meeting or that know I know it has become obvious. She is one of those people who really suits it. I kind of felt more relaxed talking to her, because now I have this therapy I can just chat to her and ask for her help and advice with more practical things.I expressed my worries about the Dildo and she said often people don't like therapists and that maybe it will take some time to get used to the style of working. So I am going to persevere for now and let things unfold.Next week I only go once so it will be a good week to reflect on things.I have been self medicating with: My Kindle

Therapy

2012-01-18T10:29:00.000Z

The most recent session with the Dildo was better. I was in a fuckitol mood, basically feeling I was going to ask my CPN to get me back on the waiting list to see a different therapist, I was also anxious that he would be all 'Hello how are you?' after my complaints in the previous session which would have been disastrous as there is no way I can trust someone to hold me mentally he if bends to my will.So I just started jabbering on before I had even taken my coat off. For some reason I had had some kind of panic thing on the tube and could feel the sweat running down my back so I was talking about how were I male it would feel much more acceptable to be as I am, sweaty, dishevelled, aggressive, violent rather than neat, restrained and contained.That I am more like Hulk - who is male - an id monster full of animalistic rages and urges. Wonder Woman however is a Golem - made of clay- no bodily functions or needs at all, perfect, always right, always dignified, a 'warrior' rather than a fighter.Then after a while he said 'You've gone quiet, you were telling me how you feel before but now something has happened' and I said 'Sometimes I have so many thoughts flying around in my head it's hard to grasp one and pull it out'And he went back to my being detached from everything, from myself and I said 'It feels more like being too attached, feeling too much, it's all right in my face so I can't focus. Like standing on the platform when the express train passes, the sound and momentum blast your senses - you can't pick out on carriage'He said 'But it's as if you won't even buy a ticket, you won't pick a carriage''Because I don't know which ones are real, because right now I might feel angry and aggressive but in an hour or by this evening or the next session I might feel totally different and it won't matter anymore''Won't matter?''I'm always putting a mask on, pretending to fit in, hoping no one finds out what I'm really like''Because you don't fit in anywhere, not like the other women in the office, can do a PhD but are so unwell and self destructive, and maybe you pick something and we have a conversation about it here and what if it's not 'real'.' And if you do allow yourself to experience these feelings, these intense emotions what happens then?''It's a problem... I can't just go round doing the things I'd want to do because other people would worry, I'd have to explain time lost to overdoses to my parents, my husband would panic... it would be alright...''If you were on your own''Yes exactly''Because you don't matter, it doesn't matter what you do to yourself, it only matters that it will cause other people anxiety''Exactly...' 'The only time when I really felt detached - because that to me implies being sort of free and not feeling things... is when I am getting tattooed. You just lie there and you realise although it's painful it's not really 'you' in pain, you can just lie there and you're not going to flinch or run away because you get into a state of being removed from it, just being this canvas that someone else is drawing on, and time passes without you really feeling 'in' it 3, 4 hours could be moments''The difference between getting a tattoo is that it's acceptable, you know it's allowed, you're getting the pain, the punishment, but it's for decoration, lots of people do it, but when you hurt yourself it brings you back to this question you can't avoid that way 'Why am I doing this terrible thing to myself?'''Well that is a question i just don't know the answer to, I just know it's''Something you have to do, something to make it ok, all the bad stuff is there, I'm bad so I'll do this, I'll burn myself and push it all back for a while, carry on, make things ok. But it all gets taken out on your body in a very cold cruel way, there's something very viscous there'***'I can't very well be myself around other people''What about here?''Well it's the same, to be accepted here, even to get the referral, I felt like I had to be so good, to promote the well side of myself, that I was functioning and coping rather than being 'too ill''But it sounded like you were able to get your claws out a bit earlier - you said 'leave the bitch''That's nothing I think but don't say.'but we have to stop there'.***********I have been self medicating with: Lucky McKee

Grrrr

2012-01-18T08:48:00.000Z

I am beginning to develop a strong dislike towards my therapist. In my head I have Christened him The Dildo because he just sits there all pink and placid and inanimate.He doesn't even say hello when I go into the room, just sort of raises his eyebrows.I said this - not the dildo bit, but that it wasn't very easy for me to just start talking when he barely even acknowledges I have arrived. Of course he made it all about me and my being 'distanced' and alienated from myself and that finding the reception cold was similar to the cold way I regarded myself.I was like 'No dude, it's just rude' - in my head.I haven't found anything he has said particularly useful or insightful thus far. Yes I may be 'cruel' and 'monstrous' and 'vicious' but I'm like 'I already know I hate myself' - in my head.I hate his face. Seriously.I have to go again this evening and then I am seeing my key-worker tomorrow so I can at least ask her advice about this.I have been self medicating with: Gloves and hats - it's freeing

Therapy

2012-01-12T09:22:00.000Z

Hmmm. So I have started therapy. I'm not sure if I like my therapist. The person I saw for the assessment I immediately liked. This guy...He seems so stuck in the theory and his experience of working with people with BPD and what that is assumed to mean that sometimes he doesn't really listen to what I am saying. I have this time slot right at the end of the day where everyone is tired and can't be bothered and he hasn't really bothered to do anything with his office so it just looks like a place where someone dumped a bunch of chairs. So wen he asked me 'How do you allow yourself to come to therapy' I want to say - because you seem like second best. But obviuously I don't say that.It's very unnatural in the sessions, like when he speaks I can hear the cogs of him flipping through 'Psychotherapy textbook' in his head turning. It's so obvious what he comes out with I'm not getting any new insight. During the assessmen I didn't feel like that, I felt like this person could really shed a different light on my issues that I couldn't have drawn from reading on my own.I am going to ask my key-worker what to do, see how it goes next week. I have been self medicating with: Getting back into running after the Christmas break.

I suppose...

2012-01-03T17:45:00.002Z

continuing the New Year theme, is that I read a lot of mental health related blogs which are understandably filled with frustration. I understand it. I used to be so bitter, so angry.Every referral that bounced to the wrong place, every bureaucratic wall I hit, every well meaning but unknowingly offensive comment a doctor or shrink made 'You're looking well' = He's saying I'm faaaaaaaat. 'It's normal to feel anxious' = 'My problems are insignificant and I should just cope with them better I don't deserve help.When I was in hospital I was angry at being stuck there and desperate to go home, and at home I was angry no one whisked me off to hospital to make it all better.Every miss-spelling in a letter, phone call which arrived late, time limits of therapy, medications messed upA lot of it was justified.I was fobbed off by the social worker who first assessed me at the CMHT. I did receive a nasty letter from one clinic reducing me to a hopeless 'acting out' 'treatment resistant' case whose only hope was 2 years of specialist hospitalisation.Things still go wrong now, meds get messed up, dermatologists adjust my bra without asking, but the bitterness has gone. It's annoying but not much more.I believe the change has come from having the long term support of the CPN's I have seen at the CMHT. Who haven't been so uptight in their 'empirically based' approach as the Psychologist I saw, or stuck in a DBT funk of how to treat a particular diagnosis - but who acted professionally yes but humanly too. Who could accept when I was frustrated without getting wrapped up in 'manipulating members of the team against each other' or that I felt bad without calling it 'negative self beliefs or statements' and who could listen to me being anxious without proposing a graded hierarchy of exposure. And the two RMN's who were with me during my anorexic hospitalisation and spoke to me like a person not just the disorder, who gave me a hug when I cried and laughed about stupid things like fellow young women rather than treating me as a disobedient child. Not that those approaches and techniques aren't useful in their place - but I needed to be treated like a human who had real, individual, personal experiences and to have that respected. And feeling more like a person has allowed me to start re-building a person's life. Doing things instead of hiding like the monster I felt I was. They do say the most consistent finding in evaluation of the efficacy and effectiveness of therapy is the relationship between client and therapist.The CMHT is going to be going through a shake-up diving the local teams into more diagnostically focused groups. I will probably be going somewhere else for my meetings, their might be additional support like groups and things provided, most likely I will have a new key-worker. This is the sort of thing that would have driven me crazy with anxiety and fear back at the start but I am okay with it I think.I have been with the CMHT since 2004 and in services since 1999 so yes this has taken time, but things can get better, sometimes without the magic solution, the perfect kind of treatment, the NICE guidelines or ideal medication combo, but just someone to validate, listen, support and encourage and the safety to feel you can go at your own pace.I have been self medicating with: This isn't a happy ending, there is a long way to go, but I feel I have arrived at a happy... midway. Onwards.

New Year

2012-01-03T09:51:00.002Z

I don't have a vast number of reflections on the past year. Lots of things have happened, but I don't feel monumental change, just a sense of moving on. Maybe that's good rather than life of crisis fuelled bullet points?I did finish my MSc with Distinction, I started my Doctorate after weeks of tears and tantrums, I have finally been offered a therapy place starting next week. I attended most of my CPN appointments and managed to make it into Uni most days I was meant to. I spent too much money on shoes (ooo boi) and my weight fluctuated a fair bit but not wildly out of healthy range. I improved my running after my ankle got back to happy.I want to continue this year as the last really. Try to stay in Uni, keep my mental health appointments, try not to let worries become massive issues. Eat better, keep a semi normal sleeping pattern, take my meds, just keep doing the things that keep me more on the stable side of life.I have a CPN appointment shortly and then taking kitteh to the vet so I won't be going to Uni today but hopefully I'll go back tomorrow. I have been self medicating with: Early morning reading - speedy.

2011-12-27T16:10:00.000Z

Christmas has been nice although my family have been a bit stressed - when are they not - but more so than usual.My sister, the one whom my Dad imagines is so fragile and shy and helpless and seemed to be able to do no wrong in his eyes, is being a total cunt. She always has been a selfish person but she ended up screaming and swearing at him on the phone and then slamming it down a couple of weeks ago that was the last anyone heard from her.So he has been stressing and blaming himself for her horrible behaviour (she could have made the effort to call or text on Christmas day but didn't - like come one what kind of asshat are you?) and yeah.There is definitely something twisted in her head - she seems to resent anyone else's achievements and... oh well what can you say. She is an ass and her boyfriend is a total Neanderthal.Aside form that we have been having a nice time, I've been doing a lot of XBox-ing and reading.My 'friend' who lives locally has turned into a complete pain and I am desperately trying to cut her out of my life. She phones all the time and if I am not in she will phone Jakey repeatedly asking him to call my mobile - thank fuck he has the sense not to give her that number. She doesn't just call and ask if i am there, she tells him 'Oh I've made mince pies, I want to go shopping with her and help her buy X Y X' etc it's so creepy. She constantly slags off my Uni because the lecturers who supervised her undergraduate dissertation made some criticisms of her - fair ones - like don't phone all the time - she responded to these by phoning them more. She has left Uni but she still things it is perfectly appropriate to phone up the head of the department to complain about something she heard someone said about her. Dear god. It's so scary. She is a terrible gossip too, I am never telling her anything I don't want spread round the world.I ignore her and she just doesn't take the hint - don't know what to do.My mental health has been okay. The new meds seem to be better as far as anxiety goes although it will be hard going back to Uni I think. I burnt the hell out of my hand though which I really really regret as it looks terrible and I am going to have to find some kind of makeup to cover it.I have been self medicating with: New MAC Makeup

Therapy

2011-12-15T22:29:00.005Z

So I start in the new year.I don't really like or dig my new therapist right now but I am willing to give it a shot. He is a consultant so that has to be good right?I am watching the Blair Witch remembering walking in the middle of the night with Jakey in the snow feeling nostalgic. He hugged me yesterday when I got home from my therapy and it made me happy.Weight is a little bit of a battle at the moment as Christmas was when my anorexia started that time when it got bad. It's ok though. I want the happiness you can only experience when not in the grips of an eating disorder more. But I am scared. Of starting therapy. Of having these 2 years of treatment which I fought for, 2 years and then that's it, I'm well. It's a huge concept to contemplate.Someone in my PhD group was going to a function with our supervisor tonight and I was surprised that I felt... jealousy. I think I get these parental type figures in my life who become incredibly important to me and I want to be their favourite. In a way this is a reason why it's good my analyst is a bloke, because I tend to become less attached to men. Which is weird because I had a better relationship with my mother than father when things were bad so you'd think I would seek out father figures. But yeah. Generally it is very black or white - I am perfect, the favourite and best or hated and the worst and yeah...The new analyst commented on my hands and the scars which was awkward as I didn't realise they were so obvious. There is another (ex) self injurer in my PhD group. Her scars and fewer and cleverly covered and disguised but I have noticed them. I won't say anything because I want a relationship with her primarily based on the fact that we have pursued the same intellectual path and that is more important, massively, than fucking up your skin. She is a lovely lovely person and I want to be a friend based on mutual respect not misery.I have been self medicating with: Jakey has been so good lately because it has been a mixed up time. Lots of after work things and times being changed and flexibility required and he has coped with it amazingly - I am so so proud of him.

Happy hump day

2011-12-14T10:52:00.002Z

On Friday I actually felt happy, like really happy a real feeling of happiness.Maybe I didn't know what I was missing just trundling along trying to avoid mishaps and major dips in mood.I had a brilliant supervision session and everything fell into place with my PhD (okay so far it's very early days).My GP also phoned and we have sorted out my scar reduction 'plan' as it were. The psychiatrist write in his last letter that I had fresh burns on my arms which kind of fucked being referred for dermobrasion (spelling) or any other cosmetic treatment but I can use the Haelan tape for 2 months and see if it will flatten them out. Unfortunately it is beginning to give me a rash so I'll have to work out how to deal with that.He was nice on the phone and congratulated me on getting the highest grade etc and asked if that reflected what was going on in my head.A hard question to answer. I think I do feel better, stronger but I also feel more vulnerable because there is more at stake.I have been managing to go into my office and get some work done which I'm still considering an achievement as it is very difficult. No Christmas shopping done yet.This evening I finally have my first psychotherapy appointment. Well a meeting with the therapist to discuss the space that has come up. I have been self medicating with: H&M delivery

2011-12-08T22:30:00.001Z

Chris Rock. Your hair documetary was interesting but over-population ain't at the heart of India's problems and yo don't you think black people experience enough prejudice without you wigging out over their wigs?I have been self medicating with: Just sayin'

2011-12-04T18:01:00.001Z

I didn't realise how long it had been since I last wrote.Things have been busy with the PhD. I am getting on better with people in the group now and have been able to go into the office to work. Yes sometimes the anxiety has me jumping around in my seat wanting to run away. Other times I can sit and work a bit.The medication change has left me very urgey generally. I think coming off the Wellbutrin may have been a mistake but we'll see. My temper has been a lot worse and more things have been thrown than usual.Apparently there are 3 people ahead of me on the waiting list for the therapy service now but that could still mean a long wait.I had a good supervision session last week and was able to be open about my BPD Dx with my supervisor which was nice because I didn't feel judged or ashamed. I didn't just blurt it out he asked what I had been diagnosed with as we were talking about people doing research on areas relevant to their personal experience. The previous week I had been feeling very down about pretty much everything so it shows it never lasts forever.I have been self medicating with: Diet coke

Shrink warped?

2011-11-10T11:15:00.000Z

I saw the craza psychiatrist who was far less hysterical on this occasion.He did ask what I thought about the eating disorder clinic referral but seemed to accept my saying I didn't feel it would be helpful. I think my CPN had also explained to him that the service I am waiting for is well equipped to deal with additional issues that come up and can refer appropriately if necessary. It's not unusual for people with BPD to have a whole host of other issues so you'd think they'd be well used to it.So I am now going to be starting a bunch of different medication in the hope that something will make a dent in this ridiculous anxiety.I like that he actually prescribes things unlike the last guy who just seemed to feel no medication could help someone with a personality disorder.This has all got to be sorted out with the GP who is still trying to deal with my dermatologist problem after finding the stuff the dermatologist prescribed to be totally inappropriate for long term use and no real indications in the letter he'd sent for how it should be used or for how long or what the results might be. I did tell the GP how bad the experience at the actual appointment had been and think he is going to refer me to someone else. My CPN also said she would be able to come with me which helps.I did also went to my anxiety group just because it seemed better to do things rather than not do things, it was less irritating than usual as the big shouty girl wasn't there.The woman who looks like Grandma dinosaur was there however

I have been self medicating with: The H&M sale

2011-11-02T15:10:00.002Z

I saw my CPN yesterday. We had to go and sit in the park because all the rooms were booked up. My feet began to go white almost immediately. She is going to try and sort out the continued fuck ups with the GP and my scar reduction tape which they can't seem to prescribe correctly no mater how many messages I leave.The receptionist at one point told me to ring back and book and emergency appointment - can you imagine - just to sort out a prescription? I decided not to go to the support group at Uni today. I have reading to catch up on and I can't be bothered to sit and listen to a bunch of intolerant crap for an hour.You forget how much green space there is in London. Today I had a long run in one of the other local parks on the trail to help my sore leg along. Such a relief to be able to run again after not going since Thursday last week. I had a new tattoo done which took much longer than planned and was far more painful than I am used to. Also trying to remain in one position for longer than 2 hours is really uncomfortable. We were there with the machine buzzing away until everyone else had left and it was locking up time. I really like the artist, she isn't the most openly nice person but if you make the effort you can tell she is really sweet behind 'it' whatever it is, shyness, mannerism. I have to work hard to remember other people often perceive me as scary or standoffish though I am not, and so I might just as easily perceive others incorrectly.It struck me lying there feeling at a couple of moments as if my skin were being ripped apart, that I was a million time more comfortable and relaxed there than trying to sit in my office and work. I can't stand the silence. I feel like every movement I make is loud, I get fixated on feeling I have to swallow and that it will be loud or that my stomach is going to rumble loudly (and being anxious inevitably causes a build up of stomach acid which makes your tummy rumble which helps not at all) or my chair will creek or that my typing is too noisy. And the frustration - that it has got to the point where I can't even sit in a room. It's galling. For all that is better still simple things defy me. And I know it is hard for people to grasp, how can you being doing a PhD and yet be so incapable? I don't fit into any neat little boxes.I never used to be like this, somewhere my confidence just got ripped away. I thought the anxiety meds would help with these sorts of things, but not as yet.So my leg was painful to walk on for two or three days and forget running. Even after walking was fine after about half a mile it just ceased up and my foot wouldn't strike properly.I have hardly seen Jakey for what feels like weeks. He has been working over the weekends and I was out on Monday night so last night we just watched TV and cuddled, which was nice because he is not a very emotionally expressive person, he doesn't tend to hug or kiss or hold hands, so it felt nice just to be held and I felt safe.Because I had been feeling depressed.I have been self medicating with: The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Twats

2011-10-26T19:30:00.000+01:00

I saw the disability mentor at my Uni, the on for people with mental health problems. At one point she was said 'Yes because at some point it would be good if you could do that or you'll be at a disadvantage' which kinda pissed me off because it's like, no shit, that's why you call it disability, you don't just turn it on and off to suit your career goals.I went to the group for students with anxiety/ depression and to be honest some of the new people there are just twats. Ok one in particular. They talk over other people and start going on about completely irrelevent things. And the group leader doesn't really keep it on track which is more annoying, so I might stop going. I'm fed up of it. People have a huge fit if they feel discriminated against and yet come in and bring all this prejudice with them like they can't add it up - you think that person you saw is weird for doing x thing and you're talking about them perjoratively and yet....And I find it so fucking hard to work in my office because it's so quiet but I want to try and integrate myself into the department as much as possible and not hide away at home as much as the temptation is there so I'm persevering with going in for a bit. The people are nice it's not that it's just the whole thing of feeling so self conscious every time I go in or out, not really wanting to use the kitchen incase I run into anyone, feelign uncomfortable eating and drinking in there blah blah blah.I enjoy the run home, it's the main motivation at the moment. The anti-anxiety meds obviously aren't doing that much - they help me sleep a bit but apart from that they aren't really breaking the back of it. I see the stupid craza psychiatrist next month so we'll see.I have also been using this scar reduction tape - as prescribed by the dermatologist who thought it was totally appropriate to adjust my bra to get a better photo of my scars. He didn't explain any of the possible side effects - it's a steroid tape so they are quite alarmig when you first read them and as usual the G{P is so fuckign ineptsorting the prescrption is a nightmare. I keep beig told to request it as a repeat prescritpion then getting it back with NOT ON REPEAT written in big letters all over it. I keep asking for several rolls to be prescribed at once as one roll lasts less then a week - do they do this? Do they fuck.I have been self medicating with: My OMM backpack.

Craza meds

2011-10-12T11:31:00.001+01:00

At night after I take the Buspar I get this odd panicky senaation that I can't feel my tongue and parts of my mouth and jaw properly and that I am going to stop breathing. Or maybe it's not the Buspar maybe it's just my mind but it ain't pleasent. If I even think about it parts of my body start to feel stuck on, like prosthetic limbs that you both can but can't feel. There but not there. I hate that.I also noticed last night my pupils were crazy ass dilated which is a side effect of the reboxetine. No wonder I'd been squinting in even dull sunlight and getting headaches.But then again I also just got new contact lenses so I don't know.Things feel very black at night these days, like the world is too full of weeping, too full of pain, and that I can feel it all at once. I don't know exactly how long this creeping depression has been going now - I have been in tears seeing the CPN twice so that is about 3-4 weeks. Because it all feels too hard, too much, too scary.The mentalist group hasn't kicked off again at Uni and I miss that support.I have been self medicating with: Ice Cube

2011-10-07T20:09:00.000+01:00

So I went to the dermo clinic about my scars. Honestly, after several months wait for the appointment and an hours journey each way I was in there all of 5 minutes. The doctor was more interested in taking photos of my scars for teaching purposes than telling me anything. It's ok, I get doctors need to learn but he started pulling at my bra and clothes to expose more scars for his photos without asking or, you know, actually just asking would have been good. I have some tape to put over them which should flatten them a bit but ffs, this is something the GP could have prescribed in the first instance, no wonder the NHS is running out of cash if they waste it this way. And I had to ask how long it might take, what kinds of results I might expect, all the kinds of things the fucker should have told me. He dictated my discharge letter while I was sitting there. Jesus.First week at Uni has been hard. Not the stuff itself but the anticipation. Went and cried to my CPN. Just trying to carry on carrying on.It's the seemingly simple things that get me. Sitting in the room while someone talks getting more and more anxious until I am so tense it is physically painful and mentally agonising. And we are meant to have lunch together afterwards which I hate because... on my Masters there were people who were a bit more like me, a bit different. People who wouldn't blanch if you said fuck or porn or would look at you like you were crazy if they hadn't heard of a musician you liked. Most of these people come across as bland, straight laced, generic well to do uninspiring... one of them was wearing shoes with kitten heels y'know?One woman who is doing full time with me I do like, she seems to have a bit of spunk (wish I could think of a better word) but mainly it is a bit disappointing the environment. It doesn't feel like anyone is going to say anything even vaguely dangerous or intellectually risky.Maybe I am just being a cunt?I'm sure I come across as boring... but I don't want to make small talk, where do you live, do you like it blah blah I want to talk about Human Centipede 2 being passed by the BBFC or Batman. I just want to talk about Batman.I have been self medicating with: One week down.

2011-10-05T11:10:00.000+01:00

The amount of anxiety building up to going back to Uni has been - a lot.Finally managed to start Buspar after a lot of messing around with the GP, or rather the receptionists, to get the prescription done. Honestly they get worse and worse, they treat us like scum. Us being patients. They seem to forget the service is there for us, and isn't something we should be kept away from at all costs.

First I was patronised and told 'This prescription has been here for two weeks' like I was the idiot and they weren't looking at the wrong one.

Then 'Well prescription requests take two days' like it hadn't already been two days and that that rule is for repeat prescription requests made by patients not urgent requests from the Psychiatrist.

Then they tell me they will ring me back when it's done and they don't, they say they can't even tell me if the fax from the psychiatrist has been received because it's not on the computer (computer says no) then they say they will fax the prescription that day and don't. It goes on and on.Finally I ring the Chemist to see if the fax has arrived and the girl says she can't tell me because her colleague is on the toilet. WTF?Finally I try a second Chemist who issues the wrong medication. *face palm*

However, I think it is helping though it makes me a bit sleepy-ish. I have been taking beta blockers as well the past few days just for when I have actually had to be in Uni and they make my runs crap. I feel like I just can't get going. So the new regime will be buspar at night and beta blockers only on seminar days which will be once a week maximum. I will have to take that as my rest day from running or at least do a massively shorter run.

Generally I am leaning more towards being able to cope than not at the moment. I am excited about being a researcher and the people in my group seem nice and interesting. There are the odd moments of being overwhlemed by misery and panic and self-hate and all those things but I am trying to hold on to the positives.

I got a really high mark for my Masters which has helped my confidence so I feel less like I don't deserve my place on the Doctorate.

I have been self medicating with: Powerade Zero

Meds meds

2011-09-26T17:52:00.001+01:00

After my e-mails and near hysterical meeting with the CPN last week she has worked some magic behind the scenes and the psychiatrist is going to write to my GP to start the anti-anxiety med. Hopefully that will get done quickly. I have an awesome cold. I saw egregious friend a couple of nights ago. She has decided people who go into clinical psychology tend to do so for the wrong self-serving reasons and tend to be screwed up. Her application for ClinPsych was rejected btw.I keep saying things to her like 'I don't know why some people have to bring others down to feel good about themselves' but it doesn't seem to sink in. I don't know why I stay in contact, except I don't have that many options to keep shutting things down. I don't mean friends - just life and experiencing it, if I run from everything that is annoying or confusing or scary I'd do nothing. I just try and be nice to her and ignore the huge swings between extreme irritation and sympathy. I guess this is one part of the BPD Dx I do relate to a lot. The complete 180's from adoring to hating folk. I try not to act on either.I have been self medicating with: Olbas Oil

Shakin'

2011-09-22T15:05:00.001+01:00

I had a long talk yesterday with my CPN about all the psychiatrist weirdness and how I am really struggling with my anxiety at the moment. She has agreed to talk to the psychiatrist tomorrow to see if he will add Buspar to my medication as an interim until he next has an appointment to do his stupid 'Fulll family history' which will most likely be in November. Yeah. The come in like a wrecking ball suggesting everything is completely different to what you had been told for the last decade and then have no appointments for 2 months. Things feel futile at the moment and I am hanging on to the idea that this medication can happen and can help. It all takes so long! He suggested it already, surely it takes like, an e-mail and a fax to the GP? I am frustrated.Because the problem isn't just doing the things which make me anxious, but living with the constant sense of dread and utter misery that comes with knowing I will have to do them. I have been self medicating with: Raiding the Library

Shrink phail

2011-09-13T16:59:00.000+01:00

I am now so fed up with psychiatrists.

They all sit down in front of you with their own a priori conceptions of mental health and tell you with such conviction that their interpretation of your presentation is correct. They each have their own medications they prefer and are most comfortable with and all that vajazzle.

For about a decade I have been pushed from one DBT clinic to another and back, and had all other services refused, because of my 'BPD'. I've been told medication won't really help because of the bpd and my anxiety is more likely related to that than anything else and there is nothing else they can offer for anxiety other and anti-depressants.

So the guy I see today says he has skimmed my notes and decided I don't have BPD or at least it is not the primary diagnosis. This is based on my being in a long term relationship and not having self-sabotaged my Uni career.

Remember the last guy I saw who was so convinced of the diagnoses he wouldn't listen to anything else? Or the woman I saw last time who said no meds would really help because of the BPD.

Aaanyway this guy decides there is other medication that can be offered but that I am never going to get well until my 'eating disorder' is treated.

Now, if one is being a stickler for diagnostic criteria such as the interperonsal relationship one for BPD - how can it be suggested I have an eating disorder when I don't purge and am of normal weight? Which eating disorder is it I have then?

You can't diagnose me with an eating disorder because I am wearing baggy clothes and don't want to be weighed. I don't want to be weighed because I'm not an animal being prepared for market. I told him my weight, and if I wanted to conceal it or lie putting me on a scale in an outpatient setting would not stop me doing so because I'd be full of a shit tonne of diet coke.

And no I don't want a referral to the ED clinic because they are going to be like 'Why the hell are you here?' and I'll be 'No idea'.

His thing is if my 'eating disorder' isn't treated nothing else will help. So I am basically in the same position as I always have been just replace 'BPD' with 'ED' and DBT with EDU.

Oh any btw when I was in hospital with a tube in my face they said they didn't think it was an eating disorder but more the self-harming aspect of BPD. So go figure.

Anyway it's the same old story, new shrink, new diagnosis, new drugs of choice, new view of me and what will help. It gets old. I'm the same.

I have been self medicating with: Cypress Hill

Free

2011-09-09T15:51:00.000+01:00

I have finished my dissertation and handed it in so I am free now for a bit.
It hasn't really sunken in yet.

There is so much life stuff to catch up on which had been negelcted. Sorting the flat out, filling in the form for the personalised budget thing, replying to e-mails, getting my eyes tested.

Freaking out about starting back again at Uni. Badly.

I have been self medicating with: The Distillers

2011-08-19T15:41:00.000+01:00

I've been mainly fixed on writing up the last of my thesis recently. Not too long till the deadline then FREEDOM.

It was really frosty and cold early this morning and I got nostalgic for winter. I love winter far better than summer, and I also used to love the Halloween quests in World of Warcraft so I was thinking, after I finish I might reactivate my account for a few weeks or a month. Or try DC online...

As a reward for finishing my whole Masters.Which is just kind of hitting me now.

I have been talking about my key-worker about generally taking preventative measures for my craza and one of them is to plan activities to keep me busy when I have less of a timetable or things to do. Gaming counts as an activity right?

And I'll also be able to focus on my running a bit more as it has been suffering to the demands of the laptop.

Generally I feel quite good and well 'in myself' as they say

I have been self medicating with: Sugar free mountain dew

2011-08-09T17:18:00.000+01:00

The London Riots are totally fucked up. It makes me sad because I am so disappointed that young Londoners have insisted on living up to the stereotype of them I have spent so long arguing against.

I guess if you call people shit over and over again they will get to the point where they have nothing to lose from acting like shit.

Saw a clip on the BBC of girls saying 'It's the governments fault, whoever they are, who are they, Conservatives yeah' and that they are 'Showing the police we can do what we want' and getting back at the rich. Which sounds like a desperately half arsed bid to make sense of or justify their behaviour.

It doesn't take much to get a load of young people to do something. They tend to follow the crowd and hysteria erupts quickly. They also often have trouble comprehending the consequences of their actions.

It's just fucking terrible at the end of the day.

I have been self medicating with: http://time.4planb.net/LondonRiot_raw.mp3

Blah

2011-08-07T16:40:00.000+01:00

I am feeling a little fragile. I am very anxious about my work and starting my doctorate, it is often overwhelming.

I am anxious as Jakey's parents are moving closer to us which will mean seeing more of them and.... there are a lot of difficult memories and associations there.

I don't like being 'the one' they never see and so complain about but I don't know how to change things. It is very upsetting.

The flat is a terrible mess and tripping over things that have been dumped in the front room instead of put away is guaranteed to spark my temper. I can't do it all on my own, I can't live in such a mess. It is a big deal.

There is little point sitting here crying with sadness and frustration but that is how I feel at the moment.

I have been self medicating with: Cleaning up

2011-07-19T16:58:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I get stuck in these obsessive cycles where I get fixated on a particular thing, usually some normal automatic body movement - and the fixation on it makes it become effortful and noticeable meaning I obsess over it more.

There is nothing more distressing than when this happens. I can't talk to my CPN or doctor about IT because talking about it makes IT happen which is humiliating. I feel like I don't want to go out, talk on the phone, see anyone, live. It's guaranteed to make me the most despairing I get, the isolation.

And I know it passes... but there is nothing you can do about it - because any deliberate distractions only prolong IT as you know you are doing something to distract yourself from IT.

The only thing is to wait and hope to forget.

This was the cause of a meltdown over the weekend resulting in a burnt arm and having to be held down in bed because I wanted to rip my skin off and probably would have had I not been restrained. Self control left me.

Jakey was incredibly good about it, I think he gets it because he has similar stuff happen to him. I try not to talk about IT in specifics because IT has a contaminating quality... but he gets it anyway.

What I really need is some valium or the equivalent to use just in these situations, however getting to see a doctor at our GP is becoming increasingly problematic. The receptionists are rude and ignorant and the system by which you attempt to book an appointment ridiculous.

My CPN has asked me to get a check up - blood test, blood pressure etc but trying to explain that to the dumbass at the desk... impossible. I was also supposed to have a look at courses to see if there was anything I wanted to do which the CMHT might help fund but honestly I am so shaken by the latest problem my instinct is to hide not open myself to more anxiety provoking situations.

The psychotherapy plave haven't sent me the forms to sign so I can even get on the waiting list though it has been almost three weeks - how hard is it to send a form ffs?

I have been self medicating with: Energy drinks

2011-07-05T17:04:00.000+01:00

I have been self medicating with:

Confusion heard his voice
and wild uproar Stood ruled
stood vast infinitude confined;
Till at his second bidding darkness fled,
Light shone,
and order from disorder sprung.

Screw loose

2011-07-05T17:02:00.000+01:00

At the moment I have this paranoia itching towards psychotic delusion that people are setting me up to fail as a way of torturing me or something.

I watched Black Swan ages ago and though I thought it was balls the bit that did get me was the central character being given the lead role in the ballet and then being tortured for not being good enough to dance it.

This is how I feel about the PhD, about the therapy I will be starting, and about my role in my family.

My supervisor was the one who started the ball rolling with the PhD, he asked me if I wanted to do it. And now the hypercriticality (yeah I know I made that word up) of his manor is feeding into this craza I have going. I know at the moment it is just me being paranoid and going a bit nuts. In our last meeting he clearly said okay we don't need to go over or talk about the bits that are good, and then gave constructive critical feedback... but my mind on anxiety of course twists that all up.

It is the same thing about having to dance to the drum beat of being 'well enough' for therapy. As though she has accepted me so I can go nuts and screw up and fail.

And my folks ask for my help with things or want me to do well and than act like I am arrogant when I do what they have asked.

I don't fucking know, my head is getting all messed up and reality and ~~what I know to be~~ paranoia are becoming blurred.

I know rationally the word is not conspiring against me but somehow I feel like a bird in a cage having the door opened and 'come on you can fly' and then just as I take off it gets shut in my face so they can laugh when I fall.

My CPN today said maybe I am scared of succeeding... no I am scared this stuff is true.

I have been self medicating with: Pepsi Max

only brightness can undo or save me

2011-06-30T13:42:00.000+01:00

I have been self medicating with: I saw this on the Tube on my way to my mental health group.

Psycho-analysis

2011-06-27T14:44:00.000+01:00

I am pleased... I think. Because the Psychotherapy service for teh craza have decided to offer me treatment. Twice weekly for two years but the waiting list is minimum 6 months.

Psychotherapy is odd. The therapist assessing me did have a German accent, did ask me what my earliest memory was and did ask me about my dreams. T'was funny because I'd recently has the weirdest dream about being pregnant - which I told her - but I didn't tell the bit where I knew I was pregnant because the Oyster readers on the underground barriers told me.

She at first said she was 50/50 about offering me treatment because she felt I had all this violence inside me which therapy might stirr up and release and that I might be too unwell for therapy. She didn't know if there was a well enough part of me that she could form an allegiance with against all the other stuff. So I said 'that's like saying you won't remove the cancer because you don't want to cut the skin' which she said was an immediately violent response.

So I figured I'd better remind her that I did want to change things and get well and not be in so much pain anymore and that I wasn't in that place where I was going to start being wildly self destructive with no concern for my life. Let's face it, being rejected by the service for ultra fucked up people for being too fucked up is like being kicked out of special school.

What I did like was that she used a lot of metaphors, which is a habit of mine, and she extended mine so I did feel in one sense she got what I was saying, or trying to say. So between now and starting I have an appointment every three months or so and I can contact her with questions.

I had to do the CORE form which I think they use to assess the service - this is the kind of psychology I don't like. Using those forms to then say 'Oh X people have got X better since being here' because especially with BPD your mood is so unstable the results on the form are not representative of your general well being just what kind of mood you are in when you fill it out. Then they call the results 'empiricle evidence'.

Anyway therapy isn't something that you get, you do have a say in what you get from it, so I can put up with the over interpretation of dreams because I can get othe things from it.

I have been self medicating with: Pepsi Max

Work and whinge

2011-06-16T19:19:00.000+01:00

I haven't been posting much recently due to being overwhelmed with dissertation work. I'm enjoying it and having the chance to work with my research uninterrupted by other bits of coursework, but things for my doctorate keep popping up and it gets hard to hold it all in my head without being overcome.

I have been attending my mental health group at Uni which has been good. Good to have the reason to go out each week, get dressed, wash my hair. And just be able to talk in a setting where people know a bit of what its like to have some of these issues and can accept you can be both a student doing things and also at times crippled or held back by anxiety or mental health. We have the last group of the term next week and I don't know what to do as a replacement. My CPN said there is a funding pot available so if I find something similar that needs paying for they can do that for me, so I need to do some research.

I am still feelig a bit bruised from my experince with 'friends'. One guy I was close to on my course rang me the other day to congratulate me on my PhD place several weeks after I answered his e-mail saying I'd got it. I didn't advertise that I'd got it btw, just when he asked after a while I confirmed. And then he ignored me for weeks. And for the record this is someone who has the net on his phone and gets emails immediately - and who mailed me numerous times about coursework and deadlines - so its not as if he is just one of those folks that takes a while to reply to e-mail y'know?

It's funny because quite a few people have reacted unfavourably, and made me really aware of who my friends are and are not.

Life confuses me. I am still in asssessment for therapy and even if they accept me it could be more than a year wait. And in all this the therapist is telling me I am likely to kill myself and that I get 'rewarded' for acting out. Which actually is not true at all - at uni I get exactly the opposite for 'actin out' a wholly offensive term and concept btw - acting out or doing behaviours at Uni equals emabrrassment, bad grades and letting people down. It earns me nothing.

Apparently I am a perfectionist and that includes being the best at being sick - but those are not my ideals... they are the ideas/stereotypes etc associated with the borderline diagnosis. I want therapy to help me reduce the mental health issues which are stopping me from doing well in life.

I don't want therapy so someone can see how fucked up I am.

Back to 'friends' this one 'friend' is becoming increasingly competitive about academic things. I think she feels I am young and shy and so it's unfair I am about to start my PhD whereas she is older, experienced but has only just finished her undergrad. It's not just me she is competitive with btw, she has said numerous times she doesn't want to work in particular fields if because there is someone younger and brighter doing amazing things and 'how can I compete with that'?

To be honest I think it's a silly attitude, ideas are for sharing not claiming 'first!' as your own. It's exciting to work with the brightest and best in a field.

But because of this she can't be happy for anyone elses achievements only seeing them as points scored against herself.

One of my other 'friends' - she expresses a lot of suicidal ideation - will send long manic e-mails about 'once I'm gone' which I suspect are written when she is drunk. There is little I can do to support her because she is A) In a deeply unhappy marriage she is unlikely to leave and B) Has a long established pattern of sending out signals of desperately needing help and saving, and then retracting if anyone gives advise or suggests anything that will actually make a change.

My ex gf I would now consider a friend, although we are 100% chalk and cheese different as people, in our values, tastes, everything, at least there is no pretence or game playing or doing things to provoke a reaction, but she is moving away.

So I am beginning to think it was better when I had no friends.

I have been self medicating with: Hellboy

Brain bubbles

2011-06-03T18:27:00.000+01:00

I went for part two of my psychotherapy assessment today. It was quite... alarming having my overdose history presented to me in all it's glory. I know I underplay in my head the serious of my actions...

I think with psychotherapy there is that tendency to interpret everything and sometimes I felt like she was over doing it. She suggested my last OD happened to sabotage my degree which, though the timing was terrible in that respect, wasn't the case.

Sometimes I literally become a whirlwind of chaos - there are no thoughts behind it, or at least they are so far away I can't identify them.

I will go back in a few weeks time for another session and then I think they go away and decide whether to accept me for treatment or not.

I still feel like I am walking a line between being too fucked up for treatment and too well for treatment. Duality, I has it.

It has been good to talk about some of my family stuff which I have stuffed away in my head as 'from before' but seems to have knock on effects in how I am now in ways maybe I didn't realise.

Luckily my dissertation is going well... I think... though I lack ability to judge my own work. It makes me less anxious about the doctorate - though not much - but the anxiety is beginning to be laced with excitement.

I have been self medicating with: Kittehs and bare legs

Ugh

2011-05-26T19:26:00.000+01:00

Feeling more and more at the moment that I have very little say in my mental health. Hits of paranoia, depression anger coming out of the blue. I'm acting in all the right ways but my brain just won't fall into line.

I'm feeling down about my studies, not that anything is going badly, just feel like I'll fail or fuck it up no matter how hard I work. And those feelings are making it difficult to work. I'm not behind, my grades are good, I'm just freaking out.

Like I have been given this massive opportunity and my brain just won't let me have it and enjoy it and make the most of it.

I think I am seeing the therapist next week - but I don't know if this is more assessment or start of treatment - she could just say ok we'll see you but the wait is a year. I have no idea.

I have been self medicating with: Missing the rain

Up to 11

2011-05-23T15:05:00.000+01:00

I'm getting tired and stressed and people are pissing me off. I don't know if some 'friendships' are worth maintaining - I mean yes great to go out and meet people but now I have this scholarship and this 'friend' can't even croak out a convincing congratulations because she's jealous. It's not as though she applied for it. I get feeling down about your life and wishing things were different but surely if someone is a friend you feel happy for them?

Now she is trying to say she has this amazing academic news but she can't tell me over e-mail I have to phone her... Well I'm not playing that game 'friendship on my terms'. If it feels like work it's not worth it.

She says she can't call me because she knows I am busy with work and doesn't want to interrupt... though she did exactly that late a couple of evenings ago.

I don't have to prove or demonstrate anything, I'll be nice but I'm not jumping through hoops.

She seems like the type of person who tries to surround herself with people who will make her feel good, and if they indicate having any other priorities she sort of tests them.

She has this failed relationship where the dude tries to be nice and arrange to go out but unless he drops his whole life to do stuff with her she won't have it. If he says 'let's do something in the day' she is offended he hasn't cancelled his evening for her. But she won't tell him where to go either.

So as I am so stressed I am just ignoring stressful people. the guy I have been doing some work with at another Uni is also pissing me off sending me ridiculous links to this way over the top anti-psychiatry stuff and going bananas because he has just discovered Laing and I just want to *facepalm* at him so another e-mail on the ignoring it list.

I feel like I am right up to the top of amber on the anxiety/stress/explosion meter. I saw my CPN today and felt a bit better talking things through but still very arrrrg.

I know my anxiety comes and goes.
I know I am freaking out because tomorrow is a busy day but the next day will be okay.
I know I am freaking out because OD-ing just isn't an option for me anymore and so my fail-safe step off the planet for 48 hours coping mechanism isn't there anymore and that makes me feel trapped.
I know the above is actually a good thing and shows I have moved forward massively.
I have to take things one day at a time and not try and think about everything at once or I'll get overwhelmed.

I just resent so much this anxiety, what it stops me doing, who it stops me being. I resent so much that though mentally I am giving up this self destructive chaotic person the anxiety just stays.

All my work is mostly prepared for tomorrows meeting I just need to print it out. printing out stuff sends my OCD loopy because it seems so final and 'what if it's wrong' - daft huh? Plus I am not actually stressed about the meeting itself I think the work is okay I know what I'm doing.

But.... I have been told at the last minute I need to do this other bit of work and yes I can do it and no it's not a big deal but having this cramped tomorrow I am freaking out.

I don't know. I just want to scream and hit stuff... and people... why doesn't medication make a dent in this anxiety?

I have been self medicating with: Doing a bit at a time

I don't get it

2011-05-18T11:42:00.000+01:00

Something I don't understand is the crying for independent shops over high-street chains.

Have you actually been and tried to buy stuff in the independent shops in London? I don't know what your definition of independent is but they all sell the same stuff.

Cute designs to stick on your light switches and stencils for kids bedroom walls. Cards designed by art students, things to put photos in, prints for you wall with 'cute' sayings on, cupcakes covered in glitter, Ryantown stuff or stuff thats looks like RyanTown stuff

So the poor sods that design these things have to go trudging round each independent shop selling their wares wasting their time and labour when they could have sold them in one go to a chain shop and been far better off.

And these little shops charge more for everything.

Is this a way to pretend captalism doesn't exist?

Am I missing something?

I have been self medicating with: Diet Pepsi

All change

2011-05-12T12:14:00.000+01:00

So it has been confirmed that I am going to be starting my doctorate in October.
And I have a first appointment with a therapist next week.

The journey into therapy has been a strange one indeed. All referrals for psychological therapies in our borough go through a central clinic which then pushes them on appropriately. About, wow, 8 years ago? I was assessed there and the result was therapy was blocked for what felt like an age. I had this 'too unstable' stamp on my file which was impossible to shift because I couldn't even get an assessment anywhere else. One of the main clinics did read my notes and recommended, without ever meeting me, a two year hospital stay.

When the DBT clinic opened I got bounced back and forth between there and the CMHT. Sporadically I'd be referred and meet with them and they would turn me down. This sounds like sour grapes but I have spoken before about the issues I have with DBT, they way I feel it is mainly designed to help therapists cope with so called 'difficult' clients rather than give patients what they need. The issues I have with mindfulness and that for many years the group therapy component would have been impossible for me.

You can't just pick and chose which of a persons symptoms you take seriously and which you dismiss, but at the DBT clinic it was 'oh everyone gets anxious don't worry, now lets talk about therapy interfering behaviours'.

Anxiety has probably been the backbone of my mental health problems since the beginning. I don't know when it started, when my confidence got ripped away, but I sure as shit would like it back. More than smooth unscarred skin, more than not worrying about weight or food, I'd love not to be anxious.

I have been self medicating with: Pepsi Max

Things wot I think are bollocks

2011-05-06T18:02:00.000+01:00

*The overpriced glorified milkshake that is the 'frappuccino'
*Actually knowing how to order anything in Starbucks (Tall, Vente wtf) or calling it 'bucksies'.
*Starbucks - weak as pee coffee.
*Calling second hand stuff 'vintage' and paying loads more for it in a 'vintage shop' than you would a charity shop.
*Nutella trying to market itself as a health food.
*Wholefoods - snacks for the self satisfied.
*Mindfulness - someone pulled that one out their ass.
*Pushing OMEGA 3's fish oil and yoga on the mentally ill - proper health care please.
*Tim Minchin - pseudo politics for the rah rah rahs
*Posh people flocking to poor areas like Brixton and Hackney on weekends because they think it makes them hip but secretly needing the safety in numbers.
*London Fields - see above but with added dog shit.
*Pimped up pushchairs. Sorry but you could have invested that money in your kids education or bought them a cool toy not a buggy to make yourself look yummy mummy.
*People filming concerts on their phone. YOU SAD FUCKS why do you need proof you did something cool I wonder?
*Facebook - you should not put shit about yourself on the Internet because one day it will come back an bite you in the ass.
*People queuing for hours for a free taco because they saw it on twitter and will willingly stand in line in the baking sun just so they can tweet how good their taco tasted. If you like taco so much just fucking buy one.
*People who applaud or criticise a study they have read about online without actually going back and checking the original work.
*People who believe they think critically because they read 'Bad science'.
*Fish pedicures - gross.
*People who think they think critically by reading a study and saying 'the sample size was small' or 'They didn't account for gender or socio-economic status'.
*Anyone who will tell you off for saying 'retard' and then moan about 'chavs'.
*People who think mushing stuff up and blending it into a 'smoothy' somehow makes it more healthy.
*Nintendo-thumb, iPod-thumb, Blackberry-thumb - and yet somehow still normal thumbs.
*Maxi dresses - designed to make any figure look shit.
*Play suits and jump suits - see above and was Anneka rice ever cool?
*Hashtags - put one in front of something to make out like it is important.

*Dog owners who assume everyone else loves their dog too. Dude, get. it. off. me.
*People who stand in front of the trains doors when they open and then seem confused when you can't get off (an old fave).
*People who complain about the delays when someone throws themselves under a train.
*BFFs
*Pop-up anything (except books)
*Bikini diets - the Burqa diet is far superior.
*Topshop
*Glee
*Gwyneth Paltrow
*The eagles not taking the ring to Mordor (just kidding)
*Jodi Picoult - for breaking Wonder Woman and enough with the 'what would you do' already.
*Gym bunnies. The gym bit I understand, the bunny bit not so much.
*Getting excited gay man can finally donate blood till you realise it is only if they haven't had sex for 10 years.
*Units of alcohol - the most cryptic measurement system in existence and the one you are meant to refer to when pissed - make sense?
*Any place where you notice an abundance of Macbooks (Shoreditch, SOAS) - try not to slip on the pretentious wank there sir.
*'Rocking the look' - makes me think of autism or the animals that pace at the zoo.
*The! Number of! Exclamation marks! Used! In teen magazines!
*The names for 'friendly bacteria' they make up for those silly macrobiotic drinks. el kissmyear complex?
*Folk who have just started reading Foucault and ask why it is seen as crazy to stick your bits in car exhausts or, you know, do mad shit.
*Putting stuff in lager - oranges, lemonade, blackcurrant - stop kidding yourself you're old enough to drink, you've made an alchopop.
*Pimms (and typing Pimps instead of Pimms then laughing alone)
*Silk spectre in the Watchmen movie

(You should never try to light a fart on fire)

I have been self medicating with: Getting that out :)

Eek

2011-04-21T10:52:00.000+01:00

I am anxiously waiting to see if I will get funding for my doctorate.
I can't even let myself think too much about how life changing it could be, let alone how terrifying, as the studentships are so competitive...
And I don't actually know what I'll do if I don't get it. I guess apply again for next year but more broadly?

I was really happy yesterday as the physio okayed me to run again and has given me some exercises to do to re-strengthen post injury. I have also been given a pass for the gym/pool for 3 months to help get back to normal.

Agoraphobia + social anxiety + gym = nightmare.

I do really want to increase the range of things I can do though. And I do actually love swimming and exercise so this is something I should try but.... scary.

I think my new meds are helping, I am waking up and feeling not shit, doing things, getting out. I feel ok 'in myself' hahaha

I have been self medicating with: Fizzy pop

You don't have to be covered in glitter to have pride.

2011-04-06T13:12:00.000+01:00

I don't consider myself straight, I fancy men and women. I don't like the term 'bisexual' because I think it implies an artificial binary divide when in fact there are plenty shades of grey.

My male other half has always had an eye for effeminate guys. He likes to quote Bernard from black books saying he could never be gay as he 'couldn't keep up with the dancing and hygiene'.

And heck we don't term ourselves bisexual if we fancy both black and white people, or both tall and short folk.

Sexuality is fluid and isn't based on a persons sex - I mean we don't actually know whether a person is XX or XY from looking at them, we don't know if they have ovaries or what level of testosterone they have knocking around.

And gender, okay I don't mean to go all Butler-esque here, but gender is what you do, not who you are.

I ~~like~~ love high heels and sparkly stuff, but catch me watching the Rugby or Football and I can swear the bollocks off a donkey.

'Masculine' and 'feminine' aren't polar opposites where you must be one or t'other. I think I am pretty feminine but also pretty masculine.

I've never found a label to appropriately describe my sexuality, and it's not because I'm confused, it's because I just am.

What I am getting to is that I am a non straight person who has been to Uganda.
Uganda is a country of terrible poverty where many people live a totally subsistence lifestyle and have to eek out a living on the land, dependent on the weather, on crops not failing, on luck.

Uganda is a country where I was lost with a friend wandering round Entebbe with no idea how to get back to our hotel and where a guy walked us for at least 30 minutes to get to a cab stand just out of kindness.

Uganda is a country where other better off nations argue over whether people might build a dam to produce power for people that desperately need it, so wrapped up are we in our concerns of environmental impact we forget the human beings so susceptible to it's whims.

An in countries of terrible poverty it is difficult for people to rallie against a Government they don't want.

It's all very well over here going on protests against the cuts and trashing McDonalds but never forget - that is a privilege. It comes of living in a developed country where we don't have to scratch about every day to stay alive.

So while the death of gay rights activist David Kato is terrifying and sad, let's not forget that we can't judge a nation of people on this law the country has about being gay.

After all here in the UK we have had our own share of gay murders
Like this, this, or this.

And while I abhore this kind of gay hate, I am loathe to say 'hate crime' because being homophobic isn't a crime, murder is, what what you think isn't but anyway, I hate it.

But I also feel there is a risk of portraying Uganda as full of gay hating natives running around banging drums aka old fashioned racism.

We do have plenty of acceptable prejudice in the UK too - just look at how readily we use the term 'chav'. It is totally culturally sanctionned to take a pop at the working class in Britain.

It is easy to feel people in other countries are different from 'us'. But like being gay or straight it is an artificial divide, there is no them and us, there is just us.

Pop-off

2011-03-31T12:19:00.000+01:00

I must admit I have something against the trend for 'pop-up' shops and cafes which have been doing what they say on the tin all over London. Something to do with the... pointlessness, the way they just go and don't build on anything or grow into anything better.

Something to do with what Lukacs said about fashion.

Look I still love shoes okay? I'm happy to be a hypocrite, it's just this transience, this semi-perminance, which seems to be pervading life more and more.

With a blog it is there, you can read someones time line, how they have grown, developed, changed whatever. And yeah it is weird sending all this stuff out into cyberspace and maybe not really connecting to people as you would in 'real life'.

But I heard so many people talking about 'tweeting' last night. And twitter is less perminant than a blog. You make a small comment and within minutes it has disapeared into the ether, meaningless, pointless.

I love having my blog, because it's a record of what has happened and it helps to look back when I forget how much things have changed. And I have problems keeping pen and paper diaries because I get OCD about my imperfect thoughts or ill-expressed ideas sullying a nice note book or piece of stationary. I hate having a physical book that is incoherent. Typing little bites every now and again feels okay somehow. And Tbh I could just as well keep this offline in a words file, I no longer write to get comments or for an audience.

But online relationships, although they can be important, are always going to be inferiour to the type you have to maintain using offline social skills, the type when you can't just step away form the screen, move your blog somewhere else, delete your comment or put someone on ignore. When you can't look someone in the eye, or use your facial expressions or tone to communicate, when you have to speak in the moment not think it all out before you leave your comment. There is something to be said for that. For being able to hold someone's hand or give them a hug, or put yourself out for someone not by taking time to log in and write them a message, but by going to them and being there fo them, actualy there.

And I recognise I blog less when I am living more. Not just because I have less time, but I have less need.

I met a friend recently who uses twitter and spending time with her is useless, because she can't do anything without taking a picture and tweeting it, although it isn't worth doing anything unless you can share that you did it.

Life is for living, not for showing other people that you lived.

What is the point of zooming into a gallery and taking a quick bad cameraphone snap of an amazing piece of art and then zooming off to do the net cool thing to tweet about?

If your experience touched something in you, meant something to you, you don't need a photo or a tweet to prove it, your ideas are good enough.

Without my blog I ould remember everything in it, in the sense that all the experiences have made me who I am today. No I might not remember the microdetails, and as someone with massive problems with object perminance and perspective it is useful to look back. But it's not a substitute to growing and changing and thinking and experiencing, a suppliment maybe, but no more.

You can have as many friends on facebook as you like, but if you don't have any 'real life' friends it's not going to make you less lonely.

I have been self medicating with: I do still love having this blog - I am happy to be a hypocrite.

Want

2011-03-27T11:10:00.000+01:00

I have been self medicating with: ^^^

Onwards and sideways

2011-03-25T10:51:00.000Z

So I have finished the taught part of my course which has just zipped by. Attended the last mental health group and have been fairly sociable. It just goes to show, things = better.

I am worried about how much I should disclose if I get an interview for my PhD. They ask you about current and future career plans from what I can tell. One of my references is from the mental health mentor and some people in the department, including my prospective supervisor, do know some things. I am scared that if I just mutter something about anxiety they won't take e seriously or think I am making excuses.... I mean from the amount of time I have heard from qualified clinical psychologists 'oh well everyone gets anxious about X Y Z' and the complete ignorance. Yes everyone gets anxious about thing, but not to the point of not being able to leave their flat alone for several years, or self injuring or becoming suicidal.

I know part of it is to reassure people they are not total freaks, but it you do it clumsily you end up making them feel like they should just get their shit together like everyone else does.

But revealing the BPD diagnosis makes me feel uncomfortable too, like it would freak people out.

I was reading BPD for dummies last night, which strikes me as something of a double insult int he title - personality disorder and idiot, I'm joking. However it did make me a little sad. That the main crux of my issues is something which can't be medicated away or cured, just managed and dealt with better.

I had a meeting with the mental health mentor at Uni and we were talking about how people with mental health problems do go on to have careers both academic and otherwise. It's just I nver felt being this way would be forever, I want to be free of it, but then again maybe being free of the anxiety would be enough to function at 75% or something.

I have been self medicating with: No more lectures!

Things that annoy me

2011-03-17T12:19:00.000Z

Seriously. Since when did wearing clothes become 'rocking the look' and since when has something that is in fashion (meaning stocked in Topshop) 'bang on trend'?

Stop talking like this!

And stop obsessively taking pictures of everything you see and tweeting them, learn to have an experience without looking through an LCD screem.

Arrrg.

I am antsy. I just put in my PhD application.

I have been self medicating with: Amazon - book shopping is the best medinicine

Ticking boxes

2011-03-14T16:47:00.000Z

Overuse of the concept of 'triggers' aside my therapy assessment went relatively well. I am finally being referred to a service which feels like it could help and isn't as dictatorial as the DBT clinics I have failed. It was good in a way to see the same woman I saw years ago because I could attest to the changes which have happened during that time.

I feel now that the momentum for change has to come from me with services there to help, rather than that momentum must come from services dragging me kicking and screaming behind. I'm not so angry, and I have had the space, with an excellent CPN, to work out why things felt so confrontational with the DBT approach... which is that their conception of self-injury and its functions doesn't fit with my experience. But I didn't have the words or understanding of that for a long time, just anger at being told how things must be for me and feeling lost that it didn't make sense.

But the waiting list is apparently horrendous because of NHS money ishoos.

The receptionist was about as rude as you can be mind.

I have been self medicating with: Mini baby bell

Tied to the laptop

2011-03-08T18:07:00.000Z

Well poop, it looks like I have actually got some work done over the last few days. Time to change out of the PJs perhaps?

I wonder if I will ever be less of an all or nothing person? When I'm working I'm working, often to the exclusion of doing the things that keep me healthy and I need to work on that. It's hard to do so in the face of a deadline though.

Balance - I need it!

Also a hair wash - desperately.

CPN appointment cancelled this week which is okay actually, I like how I can cope when this happens which is a massive change from when I was first in therapy. It makes me nervous about the prospect of going back into more intensive treatment, the giving up of this control... but maybe a good therapist should help with that issue itself?

I have been self medicating with: Diet coke

Life cycle

2011-03-07T13:17:00.000Z

Drink coffee, work on PhD proposal, drink coffee, work on PhD proposal... repeat for one week. Hand in work. Drink coffee, work on masters coursework etc etc etc

I have been self medicating with: Coffee?

2011-03-05T00:23:00.000Z

I haven't posted for a while because I have been depressed. Boring yes? But a med change hopefully has helped that. I have been doing well with my eating and seeing my new key-worker who I am getting to like more and more and even went to the PJ Harvey gig at the weekend. Deadlines loom which reduce blogging time but in a way that is good, less blogging equals more living.

Have physio and therapy assessments coming in the next few weeks. I am scared because I am being assessed for therapy by the woman I was before when she sent a snotty letter saying I should be in hospital for at least two years and asked me to show her my scars (I refused) but maybe in a way it is good as she will be able to see how much I have changed and moved on. I am not bitter as I was then, I am not depending on someone or something else to fix me, I know now the work has to come from me, I just need a bit of support to do it, so its different now. I'm better now. I am.

I have been self medicating with: Hope

Yeeouch

2011-02-17T18:42:00.000Z

Some how life has gone and flipped over again. From feeling pretty down and negative and incapable about the future and PhD prospects I now have quite a good shot at getting a fully funded studentship. I am terrified and excited.

I had kind of resigned myself to spending a year 'writing the novel' and training for a marathon and possibly returning to anorexia but now life has said get up, face things, do things, it's not time yet for the rot to set in. Life is handing me opportunities on a plate others are struggling hard to get, getting someone to agree to supervise your PhD is difficult and I didn't even ask, it was offered me. So I have to take that and run with it so the fear and the mental illness doesn't catch me and take it away.

I went to my mental health group and had a meeting with my prospective supervisor and took two phone calls from him the next day, saw a friend, helped another one out over the phone with a stats question and exchanged texts with an old school friend re meeting up.

Had many visits to the vet and had to make many decisions re cat care.

Had a long day today meeting a fellow researcher. It was good but difficult.

I am exhausted from being normal.

Tomorrow I have work to do for my dissertation and then... much much more work.

After my PhD related meeting this week I popped into the Uni shop to kill time before my group and had this sudden urge to buy a pair of scissors and sneak off into the toilets to cut. Which is weird because A)I predominantly burn and B) Never get urges that way.

When I was much younger I used to cut with scissors, and sometimes when I feel alive but unsure and nervous about, you know, the prospect of a massive life in front of me, like you do sometimes as a teenager... it comes back. Anyway needless to say I didn't so all is well.

I have been self medicating with: Arsenal? Omg thank you.

Rocky roads

2011-02-10T12:09:00.000Z

I sometimes think about 'recovery' in terms of my eating disorder. I don't think I had a straight up case of outright anorexia. Whose eating disorder is simple right? But I mean, for me it was very much linked in with a BPD hell bent on destruction thing/ attention I need help thing, long before the eating disordered thoughts themselves really took hold. The way starvation changed my thinking and ability to think shocks me to this day. How the less I ate the more anorexic my thinking became until an extra diet coke really did seem like a huge fucking deal. And clearly sitting in hospital with a tube in my face and a beyond emaciated BMI meant I had some eating issues but... I had just taken so many OD's and created scars over pretty much my whole body and I just needed something else...

I read a lot about people working on their recovery, challenging their eating disordered thoughts and trying to reduce behaviours. I never really had that. It just got to the point where the agony and self hatred were too loud and violent to be numbed out by starving and punishing myself by overeating to the point of pain and making myself gain weight and be ugly felt more violent and so more relieving than maintaining the anorexia.

'Recovery' came in a weird way. One part was obviously getting enough calories helped me to think a bit more clearly, weight restoration, the physical stuff, has to happen be it carefully a few pounds a week on a carefully structured meal plan or fuckitalltohellI'llbefatagain.

But I got my life back by not 'working on recovery' by not 'doing recovery' by not going through a process, but by doing other things. By having other things which meant I didn't have time for my eating disorder, or that every now and again just shouted it down. I had to attend classes even though I was 'too fat' because I wanted to get my degree. I had to start my Masters even though I was 'too fat' because wtf else was I going to do? I had stuff I wanted more than to be thin. Ways to make life valuable and meaningful beyond achieving a weight or size. And by this I mean things for me, completely selfishly for me. Because before that being thin was the only thing I had which was purely for me.

I like sharing life's joys and turmoils with other people, it wasn't about about them, I just needed something to hold that was mine and at that time I didn't know how to do that without feeling unbearably guilty about anything save self destruction or denial of self.

I am glad of it. I am glad no to be dependent on a therapist to get me through the week, I am glad to be able to do things, talk to people, get on with life. Have the thoughts changed? Not massively. I want to lose weight, sometimes I want to scream at how fat I am and just run and not eat until I am acceptable again. Do I like my body? Not really. Well... I hate it less. Feeling 'fat' isn't anything to do with whether I perceive my body as attractive or not. I can see a more curvy body as sexier than a skeletal frame. Feeling fat is about feeling too much, about feeling I am unacceptable, that it is ridiculous for me to think people could like me and disgraceful I should inflict my presence upon them, that I am an inferior person. It all sounds terribly mellow dramatic ey?

My mental health has improved massively from not doing mental health stuff. I don't have to burn myself just to feel it is okay to go to therapy or see my CPN (or now no CPN) and I don't mean I used to show them or say 'oh hai I haz burnt' but rather just feeling it was legitimate in my own mind to be helped or supported.

I don't know why I am writing all this today.

I have been self medicating with: damnyouautocorrect

What about us

2011-02-09T10:27:00.000Z

Wow, getting up early several days in a row is difficult! We have had a week of cat drama which is way too much to go into here but needless to say all is now okay again. Early morning vet visit yesterday and tomorrow morning sandwich going to the GP this morning. Have been referred for physio for my hip and ankle, probably shouldn't run in the mean time but probably will. I have been experimenting with my running shoes to see if different ones help with the pain. Actually bought a pair of Nike ones with the hole for the Nike+ sensor, I'm such a sucker. But I remember my original Nikes being really comfortable so have hope for these.

Skipped classes this week. It actually couldn't be helped due to the vet issues but I do feel a little bollocks about not going. It inflates my 'everyone is talking about me' paranoia if I miss sessions. Ah well nothing to be done about that really.

So life is all about crushing cat meds and hiding them in smelly fish and running round after cats and deciding whether napping because of lack of sleep is a good idea or whether it will stop me sleeping at night.

Tomorrow is going to suck the big one because I'll be dropping the cat off at the vet first thing, going to see the not-CPN and then the mentalist mentor followed by cat collection. No rest for the wicked.

I have been self medicating with: Aliens

Stigmata

2011-02-09T10:18:00.000Z

Having friends is really difficult, but also really important. It's reassuring to find if I am having a fat day or a fugly day or an I am a monster and want to hide day, they still talk to me the same way. It's a reality check. A thing that brings me back up to earth.

But then there is also the paranoia if an e-mail goes unanswered (have I done something bad, does so and so now hate me) and the being out of practice socially. And of course the whole thing about disclosure.

Someone used the phrase 'self stigmatise' recently. And while I am not into the 'proud to be mentalist' thing, maybe being ashamed and not disclosing is more negative than I thought?

And I do feel ashamed of the Borderline Dx. Disclosing it would make me feel like I was declaring myself to be a total freak. Self-injury, 'splitting', dangerous, obsessional it's all so... bad sounding. And it's all your fault. While bipolar is stereotypically seen as a chemical condition, borderline is... you are bad. Hells I am sure if my Dx were bipolar I would probably feel the stigma was unfairly distributed the other way, mental illness sucks right? But I do feel ashamed, so I don't disclose. Does that mean I am doing a disservice to the mentally ill, by not standing up for myself?

I have been self medicating with: Pepsi Max

Film Friday

2011-01-28T15:34:00.000Z

Salt
I did enjoy watching this one but my god Angelina Jolie looks so badly like a bobble headed skeleton these days. What's up with that? Anyway this was a pretty entertaining if utterly ridiculous full of plots holes movie. Serve with popcorn.

Shark Attack
Om nom nom. I love in these movies when they do 'science'. It doesn't matter what discipline, it has to involve test tubes and microscopes. Sharks are always used in movies because of their potential to make magic serums.

Vanilla Sky
I think you have to really like Penelope Cruz and buy her as this cute, quirky, glowing, vital person in order not to want to stick pencils in your eyes during this movie. Me I just wanted to kick her down the stairs. Maybe I'll like it in another life when we are both cunts.

Mothernight
Sheryl Lee is back as a blond girl with a strange allure who gets killed then comes back as her identical looking relative and dies again. Das Twin Peaks?
Good movie, depressing, oddly comic.

The Stuff
Gross film about the dangers of eating yogurt. Very funny and a lot of fun.
Can't get enough, of the stuff!

One upon a time in Mexico
One of those films I have very little to say about. No reason to call it a bad film, nothing not to like, but it just didn't do anything for me.

Sphere
This is film of the week for me. Not half as confusing as I remembered it but still requires a little bit of thinking. Sam Jackson steals the film with all the best lines while Dustin Hoffman phails at Psychology. One of the few films Sharon Stone is in that isn't shit.

I have been self medicating with: Pepsi Max again

Alright so

2011-01-28T14:10:00.000Z

So I met with the new CPN, who is actually not a CPN but a social worker. Why one and not the other? I don't know and thought it would be rude to ask.
She's not a disaster. She is obviously not going to listen to me or help me try and understand things the way the previous one did, but that isn't the end of the world. She had read my notes which is always a bonus though some of the things she said seemed to have come straight out of a self help guide. 'Self harm is your coping mechanism'. Hmmm, I think it's slightly more complicated than that but okay.

She seems quite practically inclined, wanting to meet the other half and set up a carers assessment and stuff.

So yes, definitely not a disaster.

I just get the impression she is not used to working with high functioning/low functioning people like myself. But fuck it, I'm not special so who knows.

I have been self medicating with: Kittehs

Nothing is rotten

2011-01-27T11:15:00.000Z

Wow, so bloody cold today.
Went to group thing again on Tuesday. It was better as no one with extreme verbal diarrhoea attended. The support worker asked me to stay behind afterwards to check everything was okay since losing my CPN is kind of a big deal. Tbh things are okay. I have been really well lately, haven't had a bad flip out in a few weeks. Even got the guts up to send a PhD related e-mail today though sods law the woman's inbox was full so I shall have to try again later. I still need to e-mail my supervisor about my dissertation (and to remind him I am alive and shit).

Phoned the GP to make an appointment only to find you can't make appointments any more. You may book a telephone consultation (for which you wait a week) and only on the basis of this will they decide whether they will stoop low enough to see you in person. Talk about things turning to shit. It almost makes me want to change GP except I would have to go through that new patient health check crappola again.

Classes are going fine, all is well.

I have been self medicating with: Pepsi Max for some strange reason

The meh song

2011-01-24T17:41:00.000Z

Have kept up with my running and exercise which is making me feel a lot better. Classes tomorrow and support group thingy - sandwich challenge day. Put my prescription in today and have finished the long questionnaire for the psychotherapy service. Only ran a couple of miles before it got dark and rainy and anxiety rather than fatigue took me home. Anyway getting things done is always good.

The sad news is I am gradually falling out of love with Amanda Palmer's music. Don't get me wrong, I sill think she is full of awesome creativeness and her videos and general stuff she does is great but... There are very few of hers songs I actually end up putting on my Shuffle when I go out and her cover of the Ship Song is only meh for me. I think because she is just too confident for it.

Jakey and I had fun in Waterstones yesterday (yes both out of the house at the same time, big fuck you to my anxiety) I finally spent my gift card on the Prose Edda and got a couple of other cheap things.

Overall feeling pretty good, depression has lfted and I haven't gone mental for a while now.

I also got a call from the CMHT to meet my new CPN this week which will be interesting.

I have been self medicating with: Found myself running to Ministry today - back with them after so long.

9 to go

2011-01-20T23:19:00.000Z

Weeks of classes that is. Survived another day at Uni yesterday and a late seminar, then today went for my first run in a bajillion years and was quite pleased to be able to do just over 5k straight off and not too slowly. I thought I would have lost all ability having not run for so long. Going to start incorporating weights tomorrow and begin to repair the damage I have done to myself and my health over Christmas and my essay writing hell period.

I have been self medicating with: Brutal Legand

Another day, another holler

2011-01-18T23:53:00.000Z

I found my class easier today. The anxiety was considerably less and I ate my sandwich during the short break between group and class.

The group was... idk. For a group run for people with anxiety making us go round and introduce ourselves is a bit much. And this one guy basically wouldn't stop talking for the whole time which was frustrating. So a bit disappointing. It also took me longer than usual to leave the house which was irritating.

I did manage to ring the CMHT. The woman who answered the phone wasn't the usual receptionist who is massively capable, instead I got this ridiculous tweeting voice who said she would take a message and call me back. I went off muttering over a wasted call but she rang back within 30 minutes - this never happens - and said I was on the list to be reallocated to a CPN. So this is good, unless I get allocated to someone terrible like my first CPN.

Then on my way out to Uni I found a letter on the mat giving me a questionnaire to fill out in order to get an assessment at the psychotherapy service. So my CPN did some awesomeness before she left. I have not been able to get a referral that far in about 8 years. It's not the service I want, but it is basically the Mines of Moria. All referrals bounce there first and then you either get through or not (you shall not pass etc). I was assessed there a long time ago. The woman basically sat in silence most of the time except to ask to see my scars, I refused. It didn't go well. However I think these days I am far less bitter and I am no longer in the mindset of waiting for the system to save me as if, if services are not offered on a plate it means I don't deserve them or am 'not sick enough'. After years of being 'too sick' for services I think it is time to just spell out what I want and why.

I have been self medicating with: Moving forward?

Film Friday - the return

2011-01-17T19:37:00.005Z

Mission Impossible
Daft action movie in which people take daft action. Rubber masks can change your voice, build and probably peen size.
"Max @ Job 3:14" would never work as an e-mail address.
Tom Cruise gets on the outside of transport.

Mission Impossible 3
In which 4 people break into the Vatican 4 different ways and you quite probably get a flash of Maggie Q's Q-tip. That is not appropriate attire for the Vatican lady.
Tom Cruise still dangling around like a maggot on the end of a fishing line and way to go being a shitty fiance by having a dangerous secret life. Lying bastard.
Plot the same as the last two, someone inside the I.M.F. does naughty stuff which sparks a whole chain of daft events.

Piranha 3d
Bewbies, butts, blood and guts!
You know when people talk about 'feel good' films and mean some kind of Meg Ryan thing? Well this is a feel good movie for me. Aja is a genius. This is a cut above most blonde's get dismembered kind of horror because he is just so inventive. Also balancing the teen element are Ving Rhames, Elisabeth Shue and Jerry O'Connell. There are also a couple of porn stars in the cast.

The Matrix Reloaded
This is the second one right? I used to really dislike these movies finding the fighting mostly to look like overblown bitch slapping. Now I really like them. Aside from the Neo-Trinity kissing and sex. And Monica Belluci wears a see through white rubber dress. I maintain Keanu can't act to save his like but Hugo Weaving is so fucking good he totally makes up for it.

The Matrix Revolutions
OMG best battle scene ever. I think I might no have ever watched this in full before having always got bored when Keanu spends ages flopping around a rain station talking to a guy who say [insert random word] is just a word way too often.

Batman Begins
Apart from the terrible casting of Katue Holmes and Christian Bales weirdly rubberised looking face and odd acting this is a pretty good movie. Cillian Murphy is excellent as Dr Crane/ the Scare Crow and the plot is as daft as Tom Cruise. Katie Holmes' character asks Bruce Wayne to go and turn into a guy who fights for good, so he does and then she goes 'aaaaaaaaand now I don't like you this way either'. Batman's no kill policy is severely tested as he upturns numerous cop cars and leaves Liam Neeson to die in a crashing train.
The way I read Batman in the comics he is much more manly, grumpy and serious yes but not emo in the way he comes over in the film.

Demolition Man
This movie licks ass.

I have been self medicating with: Lego Starwars again

ED-NOS aka oh noes

2011-01-17T19:28:00.002Z

I realised today how I have slipped backwards with regards to my eating. I was planning my day tomorrow and realised I would have to get a sandwich between the support group thing and my class, and that seemed terribly hard until I reminded myself I did it every week during my final year as an undergrad.

The binge/starve non purging bulimia-esque world I have been living in has to stop. No wonder I have been getting colds and feeling exhausted.

So today I had lunch, not massively exciting, veggies in some fancy mint butter rubbish that was on sale in Tesco and a couple of Mini Baby Bell (current addiction) and later I will have dinner.

Now mammoth coursework is over I have no real excuse no to look after myself. I have the time to pay attention to my health.

However I am less than excited about my class tomorrow because the lecture theatre squicks me out something chronic. It has this weird air-con noise which makes me anxious but is also oddly echoey and empty feeling as though every little shift in my seat will reverberate around the hall. So I clench up and try and sit perfectly still until I realise I have been holding my breath and almost choke. It's daft. I need to learn to chill the fuck out.

Yeah, I am going to the group at Uni for students with mental health problems. I went once before in my 2nd year or something and it was actually quite good, just to not feel like the only one freaking out over things others take for granted.

I meant to ring the CMHT today and ask WTF? but by the time I remembered they were closed... tomorrow.

Sleeping was no better last night. Though I got up early yesterday morning after practically no sleep and feeling like I was about to drop all day I just couldn't get to sleep last night. Grrrrr.

I have been self medicating with: Kittehs

2011-01-16T10:30:00.002Z

My sleep is all fucked up. Not just in the sleep in too late so stay up to late and it gets worse way. More being exhausted but not able to sleep anyway way.
Have heard not a squeak from the CMHT. It annoys me that I can go from once weekly support for the last 6-7 years on enhanced CPA and then nothing.
I don't know what is going to happen with my therapy referral, most likely the usual problem. It's all very cross making.
I'm trying not to get caught up in feeling bitter and frustrated because we all know where that leads. I just handed in a bunch of coursework so in a way it helps not to have zero crawl space in terms of, what do you call it, taking a mental health day, or whatever.

It is nervous making that I have less than 3 months of taught classes left of my Masters. I was all set to apply for a PhD but now I am having doubts about it. Pah. Most people are doing this Masters and thinking about PhDs in terms of career choices, for me I went back to Uni, and then stayed, because it was the only thing I could do other than sit at home and go gradually more insane. Even now, things having improved so much, I don't know how capable I would be of having a 'real' job.

One step at a time I guess.

I have been self medicating with: Hellboy

2011-01-11T21:34:00.003Z

I read this in a paper during my research which I wish I could find. It is a conceptualisation of some of the elements of BPD which describes it as "a personality structure or organization characterized by identity disturbance, use of immature or low level defense mechanisms such as projective identification,1 splitting, omnipotent control (i.e., trying to control the behavior of others, often subtly, although usually feeling as if others are trying to control them), and deficits in social reality testing (i.e., difficulty differentiating one’s own thoughts from another’s or difficulty perceiving subtle social cues correctly, which often results in transient paranoia and fears of abandonment; perceptual reality testing is generally maintained)."

It was one of those things that struck me as true especially the bit about social reality testing. That is me. I need to print this and put it in my wallet to read when I start lifting off into that paranoid state. The same state I have been in for the past few days in the lead up to returning to Uni but which was completely unnecessary.

I have been self medicating with: This wedding is horseshit

Slight depression

2011-01-10T10:43:00.002Z

My CPN has now gone and it looks like my referral might get stuck in the usual bottle neck with the health authority.
I recognise I am beginning to become depressed, not terminally, I can still meet my deadlines and get to Uni but I'm not feeling great. I have arranged to try and go to the support group at Uni now my class times have changed and it doesn't clash and also made a query about the counselling service at Uni just to tide me over until things sort out withe CMHT in case I need the extra support.
Having some kind of evil cold hasn't helped, my sinuses are sore to touch and my head is fuzzy.
I dreamt last night I was back in my anorexic body and that everything was put on hold for a while. I stayed with the fantasy for a while half asleep half away and then dismissed it.
The worst of this Masters course is over, I only actually have 3 months of classes left then it is all dissertation writing. I can do this.

I have been self medicating with: I can

2010-12-23T18:30:00.003Z

I am feeling very depressed today about my CPN leaving. I am only going to be able to see her once or twice more. I am scared that I will become very emotional in the last meeting and it will be horrible. I am scared without her support things will begin to backslide and I won't have anyone to help me. And that I will never be able to stop self injuring.

Maybe I should write her a card or something, idk.

It was much easier finishing therapy because by that time my psychologist had begun to piss me off but my CPN I just have a lot of respect for and feel grateful to.

Maybe it is just one of those tearful days but I completely broke down this morning talking to her about my SI and had to stop because I felt out of control.

Luckily I had to go meet someone to do some Uni stuff so being able to concentrate on that for a few hours helped. Jakey is out now which is a bit miserable so I might go to my folks for the company, take my flash drive and do some essay work. Can't concentrate here, my mind is just tipping over and over.

Ah enough, sitting here writing is just making me cry.

~~I have been self medicating with:~~

2010-12-20T13:42:00.002Z

I don't know how people manage to blog and do.... anything else. I have had so much work to do towards the end of term I have been sitting up in the night with all the breath kicked out of me stressing. Yay for anxiety. Most of it is done now and I can spend a few hours today catching up on my shopping before it is back to tapping out essays.

Socially I have been doing much better this year. Talking to people and feeling more comfortable around them.

I am still really worried about what might happen re support now my CPN is leaving. She asked me if I still wanted to be referred back to one of the specialist services and I said I wasn't sure as I didn't want to be in the position where I was discharged from the CMHT because I had the referral in the pipeline and then the referral falling through as I has ever single time before and being left with nothing. She replied that that had answered her question so I am glad I had my see-though stuff specs on when thinking about that. I will find out more in a couple of days I guess.

I have been self medicating with: Energy Drinks

Cough nasty disease

2010-11-18T18:09:00.002Z

I am getting itchy about Uni. Some people are pissing me off. I guess this is a part of the orderline diagnosis I identify with somewhat. The 'splitting', the seeing people as all good or all bad.

Our stats teacher is so bad, he manages to make stuff I understood perfectly well in my Undergrad completely confusing.

My shift key has been fuxed up by one of the cats trying to type and I have a cold. It came on so fast last night and Jakey was all 'Well why did you run in the day?' like it was my fault for getting sick. And I wasn't sick then.

I have a buttload of essays to write, a smaller piece of coursework to do and a buttload of reading. My butt is loaded and all I want to do is stay in bed reading comics.

I have been self medicating with: At least I kicked bowsers assholes in Super Mario Galaxy.

The future is just around the courner

2010-11-15T14:32:00.002Z

My long trusted CPN is leaving in a matter of weeks. Which really bums me out.

It is going to be so hard not having someone there whom I trust to... not necessarily fight my corner but at least listen to my side of things. Someone who I can talk to without feeling judged. Someone who I don't have to come away from worrying how I came across.

She has been really respectful, tolerant, professional and kind over the 6-7 years I have know her.

I shall miss the support and the safety.

It doesn't help that I have no idea what state the services are going to be in after Xmas. I don't know if I can really see myself in a specialist PD service, because of the jesusgoddumbfucking inflexibility of their attitude towards my (slightly les sinflexible but still not exactly fluid by hey I'm the patient here) attitude towards SI. I mean how many people can genuinely say 'Right I want to stop' with no doubts or ambivalence?

It's like quitting smoking. You have to want to quit. But first you have to get in the position where you want to quit. This is what I need help with. Before jumping on a great big DBT gravy train.

My goals for the moment:

Be able to leave the house and stay out long enough to do both practical and enjoyable things without being overly restricted.

Be able to interact with other people without feeling such intense shame.

To stop OD-ing 100%

I have been self medicating with: Coffeeeeee

Typical

2010-11-11T18:01:00.003Z

I don't know whether it it alarming, amusing or assuring that I can go from being cry your eyes out depressed to feeling really fucking good over the course of *snapyourfingers*

Yesterday I felt like utter crap and found myself punching myself in the face before I had to drag myself out of the house because I couldn't stand what I saw in the mirror. I was almost literally crawling out of my skin.

This evening I went for a run and it was fantastic. My ankle held out almost the whole way through and my legs felt like they were growing longer and longer and my strides were becoming elastic. It was wonderful and only spoiled slightly by the evil danger that is wet leaves all over the streets and the whole getting dark stupid early thing. I felt like I could have run forever had it not become almost pitch black and threatening to piss it down with rain.

My CPN has reappeared after some time off on compassionate leave. You know in - is it A Few Good Men??? where Jack Nicholson goes "Don't I feel like the fucking asshole." That is how I feel moaning about my crappola after she has been off work for some kind of obviously important issue.

The GP epically fucked up my meds yet again. I am meant to have only a weeks worth of meds at a time. To avoid running back and forth between the surgery and the chemist every two days they are meant to issue 2 months worth of weekly pre dated prescritions for me which I then dump at the chemist and then collect my meds each week.

So Jakey goes to pick up my new set of prescritions. I hadn't collected them because I was scared there would be a fuck up, I'd be left holding boxes and boxes of meds and end up OD-ing. So I have already been off meds for a few days having put off addressing the issue. Jakey brings home a bunch of prescriptions.... basically they have issued a months worth of my usual meds and a fuck load of the beta blockers I take as needed on Uni days so hardly use any, for each week. Well over a hundred tablets every week. How mad is that? The whole point of not having access to hundreds of pills is that I need to be ultra ultra safe that shoudl the OD urge hit there is nothing I can get my hands on.

What the fucking fuck?

I have been self medicating with: Not medicating

They put a rat in my Pringles

2010-11-02T18:13:00.004Z

I think there are three people on my course. Two of whom are in my little group or click or whatever and a third who is part time so I don't get to see so much of. It's nice, I don't feel I have to pretend to be cleverer than I am or dumber than I am. I haven't gone running around going whooooeeeee I has a mentalism I burn myself and OD sometimes, but I don't feel like I am hiding 90% of my self either.

The tube was packed coming home today, everyone getting their journey out of the way before the tube strike took off, pain in the ass. It was dark because the clocks have changed and leaves were swirling around like the beginning of a horror film. Still I managed not to panic or anything and got home without getting lost or stopping breathing, both of which seem to be happening more frequently when I get anxious. Sucksballs but.... prevail.

Halloween was fun for the special episode of Psychoville but not so fun for the cats getting scared of fireworks and kids egging everything in sight. And a bunch of stuff I had requested arrived at the library, a Scott Westerfeld - Parasite Positive, a Transmetropolitan I haven't read yet, JLA classified : new maps of hell and so more stuff to collect tomorrow excitement. I love having a pile of stuff ready to read rather than having to score the bookshelves.

I am having a meeting with my supervisor about my dissertation next week for which I have to prepare a two page proposal. I am actually really excited about it, the dissertation, not the meeting so much but I think if I am to be developing any kind of 'career' it is better to keep somethings, like my research, a bit private. I mean nothing good can come from spreading stuff to do with your real life all over the internetz. It only takes a google and shit can go fubar.

I am getting nerdy excitement about setting up an RSS reader (is that what you call them) for all my dissertation research and a database for papers I have read. Geek squeak.

I have been self medicating with: The library

2010-10-30T16:57:00.002+01:00

Just went to the library and got 3 DMZ books and book 1 of The Losers. It's all rainy and slippery outside, I got cats everywhere, on my laps, on my beds, on my clothes.

I have been self medicating with: Made a start on my coursework... yeah more of it.

Long weekend yayness

2010-10-28T12:27:00.002+01:00

Thursday feels like the start of the weekend now because Uni is done for the week. Yes we have coursework to do, which I have already downloaded and printed off *smug face* but I don't have to get up so early or you know, wash and shit like that.

This week at Uni has been good though, one of the part timers is a fellow comics nerd and Garth Ennis fan and someone to laugh about the Godzilla Bukkake segment of Warren Ellis's Crooked Little Vein with. There is another guy who is a bit of a tech-phobe and genuinely though the Apple Store was a place where you buy apples. The stats class was not a complete wash out and my special provision for being... mentally special... has been sorted out.

I am still unsure what to do about being referred to the specialist personality disorders service. I have so many questions to ask my CPN whom I was meant to see this morning but is on emergency leave.

I have been self medicating with: Cats and coke

FFS

2010-10-25T14:59:00.004+01:00

Seriously. Jakey and I went to see Adrian Belew. The number of people there with their raspberries and ifondles spending the whole time trying to film the thing or take photos of the female bassist instead of actually watching the concert or making any effort to engage in the music was just depressing.

It makes me so mad, can these people not just experience something without having to capture it on some device? I mean you may as well just stay home and watch it on yourtube. They probably tweet during sex FFS.

Or as Jakey put it

"I know dude

These asshats should buy the professionally made DVDs that are
available from Adrian's website

They will go to their graves with fuzzy recordings of concerts they
never experienced, because they were too busy trying in vain to
preserve the experience they weren't having"

It wasn't even my type of music and I was paying more attention than a large portion of the audience.

The shit with the benefits cuts continues to exhaust me. Just trying to work out exactly what the situation is beyond shit and confusing is virtually impossible.

At the moment the changes, i.e. not being allowed to stay on sickness benefit for more than a year seem to apply to ESA. I haven't been moved on to ESA yet so what does that mean for me? How much does it suck that if you have a spouse who works, no matter how much they earn you are not entitled to help? How much does it suck if you are sick for more than a year? How does it work, will it mean one year from your next assessment or that if you have been on a benefit for a year already you will have it immediately cut?

Why do people think there is this vast body of folk who want to be on benefits - it isn't like you get a huge amount of money, mostly you are poor. I would love to be able to work, financially, for my self esteem, for interest. ffs.

If I do get referred back to a specialist service and the wait is about 8 months what happens when I get my benefits cut - do they expect people to do their therapy three days a week and be employed, is that viable especially for the already emotionally volatile and exhausted? FFS.

What if my CPN isn't coming back, or at least not to the 'service line' of the mental health services I end up in. ha, 'service lines', this seems to be the term for the divided up of services according to diagnosis, acute/chronic nature of the problem etc. It makes me think of a line at the supermarket where they beep your shopping through 'BEEP bipolar... , BEEP.... schizophrenia... BEEP depression.... ' but when all know what happens in the supermarket when they hit an item that won't scan... 'BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP' massive queue develops, person on the checkout has no idea how to deal with it so has to call a supervisor and by the time they have turned up the person doing the shopping has walked off... and possibly hung themselves. FFS.

I have been self medicating with: Dreaming of tattoos

The dark side actually doesn't have cookies

2010-10-22T17:25:00.004+01:00

I saw my CPN this morning, getting up early yuck yuck yuck. She suggested referring me back to the specialist personality disorders service. Hmmm. I asked her if she was suggesting this because the CMHT is about to get all shaken up and god knows what shape it will land in, she did say no to this but later said in light of upcoming changes it would guarantee I do have access to a service.

It seems likely she is going to be leaving which is, not exactly upsetting but definitely anxious making and along with davidfuckingcameron shitting all over the benefits system things feel a little unstable to say the least.

Apparently psychotherapy services still won't touch me.

I don't know. DBT is a huge commitment, and it means committing to doing stuff A)I don't want to emotionally (maybe not a good reason to not do it) B)Think is bullshit intellectually (good reason to not do it). It also means signing up to be a mentalist for a protracted period of time and embracing my crazy when I don't know if I want to do that anymore, maybe I want to put the fucked up bits to one side - a very far away side and start spending more time being un-crazy. At the moment I feel very fragmented, the mad me who still dribbles round the house, stays up till stupid o'clock unable to sleep, feels she has achieved something if she doesn't burn herself and get in a terrible state when the other half is out for the even and DOESN'T TALK ABOUT HERSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and the bit of me where I go to Uni, do my masters, think about research and use deodorant. I think I need to spend more time on the sane side which means continuing to be in the world and at least trying to pretend I feel normal, not diving into my crazy by talking about it, diarising it and picking it to pieces in DBT before omming it away using 'Mindfulness'.

But then I don't think I can do full time normal. A couple of hours two days a week is a massive task right now, which is why I need what I have, good support from someone I respect and don't feel judged by and the freedom and safety to continue to move forwards.

I saw the mentalist mentor at Uni yesterday afternoon and then went and bought lovely stationary from Ryman and was pleased I could do the extra bit - going to the shops, without freaking out about being out of the house for an overly long period of time.

I have been self medicating with: Diet coke

Truisms of the internetz

2010-10-22T17:03:00.000+01:00

I have been self medicating with:

Ewan what is that accent?

2010-10-21T12:23:00.004+01:00

Yesterday was a long day at Uni. I ran home after my morning class and got quite lost on route which was less than cool. My ankle held up quite well but I have no idea how far I went as I hit the wrong button on my Nike gadget and wiped all but 4 minutes of my run away. Doh.

Got home and did chores like going out to get cat food and renting I Love You Phillip Morris which I had decided to watch as Jakey was going to be out all evening. It wasn't that great, somehow all the interesting bits of the story got lost under 'we're not going to shy away form showing the gayness'. Shame really.

Back to Uni in the evening for the stats class from hell. The room has no fresh air and my lenses dry out almost immediately. Plus there is this guy and, there is no nice way to say it, he is a know all. That is kind of okay but I am beginning to suspect he is the type of know all who preps himself for every class so he can come off as smart. I don't know, I mean obviously it's good to prepare from classes to get the most out of them, but there is something to be said for going to them to learn not just sit and reassure yourself you know it already. That being said there are far less annoying people this time than during my undergrad.

The stats class is from hell because the tutor insists on taking everything you knew about stats and fucking it into a cocked hat. I hate when people take something relatively simple and complicate it. It does make me realise how lucky I have been previously with stats tutors.

I have been self medicating with: I am quite impressed with myself as last night I came home from Uni in the pitch black all on my own without freaking out too much and got in and kept busy and didn't go nuts while Jakey was out.

2010-10-19T18:28:00.002+01:00

Uni again today. Getting up and getting dressed wasn't too terrible. Not too bad generally. Still zoomed home between classes to 'check' stuff and avoid socialising but people are trying to organise a study session for next week so I may not have the luxury in future. Maybe that will be good for me. Did ok talking to people, someone mentioned he thought it was odd that after classes everyone just zooms off and does their own thing, rather than trying to hang out and socialise. But because we are adults doing Masters and PhD's it isn't like being on a campus university, people have their own lives and shit.

My supervisor actually spoke to me today which I was happy about although I feel anxious about it obviously, we are going to sort of a meeting re dissertation stuff in a few weeks. Came home and got rained on la la la

I have a meeting with the mental health worker in a few days to sort out what they call an Individual Support something something. It is basically a statement of your problems and the support you need which kind of officially goes on you records so people in your department can... I don't know not be mentalist against you or something. I'm taking the piss a bit, the support there has been really life saving.

Classes are in weird buildings tomorrow. Last week I got lost not onlyon the way to the evening session, but also teh way back, and had massive panics and it was horrible. I must be the single stupidist person on a Masters course ever.

I have been self medicating with: Getting a bunch of my course work done.

Re-cap

2010-10-18T19:29:00.002+01:00

Wow everything is crazy right now.
Uni is crazy, it's two full days a week which to most will seem like nothing but for me that is two days of being washed and dressed, teeth brushed and presentable rather than a screaming crazy mess. Because there are so few of us on the course, and only half of us again full time, it is impossible to be invisible, go to class, go home talk to no one. On the first day I decided to just take the leap and be someone else for a while, be the person that does talk to people, that doesn't need to hide and doesn't go to pieces everytime she does something she perceievs as wrong or stupid or embarrassing. When I did my undergrad degree I started off not talking to anyone so as time went on it just got harder and harder, I didn't want to repeat that mistake.

It worked to a certain extent but the more people talk to me and are nice to me the more I want to come home and tear myself apart.

I saw my CPN on Thursday and we talked about my 'mis- wiring'. I have changed up my meds to help me get through the increased demands of life. Autumn term is always the hardest and with the extra 'socialising' element. So I am back on the Wellbutrin and beta blockers before each class. Seemed to be working ok until I went up to the full dose of Welbutrin and started to get this shortness of breath.

I don't know if it is purely psychological or a physical thing which doesn't help in dealing with it. It seems to happen most when I am sitting at the laptop so maybe I hunch over and restrict my breathing. I have spent the last few days having to drop everything and go pace around in the cold air.

Went for my first little run today after god knows how long with my black and blue ankle. It's still not right, I can't my foot into all my shoes and for some reason wearing high heals is much more painful than running on it.

I'm carrying about 7lbs more than usual atm due to spending the last few weeks unable to be as active as I'm used to. It's weird because I seem to get more male attention at this weight but anyway hopefully things will get back to normal soon. I'm trying not to freak out about it.

I was caught mid OD last week and am furious with myself.

I have been self medicating with: Picking up and carrying on.

2010-08-30T13:48:00.002+01:00

So I had my CPA review with a different psychiatrist who was actually nice. It made a strange change talking to someone completely non cynical. She kept talking about the usefulness of CBT type approaches for some of my OCD behaviours and psychological interventions. Harrrrup. There is no way I could get a successful referral for such services at the moment. I know that and my CPN knows that but anyway, she can check it out again if she wants.

It was kind of hard because she was pushing me asking what I wanted to do in the future and yeah I have ideas, but I feel so ashamed talking about them in front of people who know about all the things I can't do and have problems with. Like they'll laugh at me for wanting to continue Uni and that sort of thing. Everything I do is accompanied by a sense of shame, as if I am only just maintaining a mask of 'should be here'. My CPN said there is a difference between intellectual ability and dealing with anxiety and mental health problems, which I know, but I doubt my ability in both areas.... Harrrrup.

I have been self medicating with: Diet energy drinks

Superman?

2010-08-20T12:40:00.004+01:00

Last night I couldn't sleep so I re-read Superman Sacrifice. It's one of my favourite stories at the moment. The falling apart of Wonder Woman, Batman and Superman is so powerful. It is also one of those stories which leaves me most pissed off with Superman.

Superman spends the opening part of the story being upset that people might have doubts about his all powerful-ness. What if he went bad and used his powers against them etc? The writers try and make it an easier medicine to swallow, Superman's depression over this, by making much of the source of the public discontent Superman's 'alien' status. However, come on dude. This is like the most powerful man ever, it would be weird if people didn't have concerns about that power, what he decides to do with it and 'what ifs'. Superman is so naively caught up in his own desire to do good he doesn't really get it though.

When under the mind control of Maxwell Lord Superman goes a little nuts, beats the hell out of Batman and has a massive fight with Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman uses the lasso of truth on Maxwell Lord who says the only way to remove his control of Superman's mind is to kill him. So she does.

Now I always Wonder with the Lasso do people speak THE truth when entangled in it or just the truth as they know it?

Either way Wonder Woman doesn't seem to have a lot of choice...

Superman once again doesn't get it and completely spurns her.

No 'I'm sorry I just broke your arm and tried to kill you, and Batman, and trashed the JLA Watchtower and....'

I don't know it really pisses me off, for all his Supervision Superman seems unable to see shades of grey or other people's points of view.

Anyway... I have my CPA later.

Have also been playing Bioshock 2 which is totally cool though I suck at shooters. I keep getting 'This way Daddy, this one has ADAM' running through my head. It's a beautiful looking and sounding game.

I have been self medicating with: Juice

Sometimes you just need ta....

2010-06-29T14:23:00.000+01:00

I have been self medicating with:

2010-06-25T12:21:00.003+01:00

Last night we watched Matchstick Men. Not my usual choice of film. I generally do not like grifter films. Had the plot worked out in about 3 seconds flat, which either shows we are cappatown or that the film was lamatai tebby chai. Damn that Pooti Tang!.

Hot hot days make me feel sluggish but at bedtime I could sleep so I started reading Anna Karenina again. Big mistake. Never pick up a favourite novel at bedtime. Was up till stupid o'clock and consequently feel rough today. Sneezing and coughing all over the place which must be pollen related though I never suffered hayfever till this summer.

I have been self medicating with: Tissues and diet coke

Piercing eyes

2010-06-24T11:37:00.002+01:00

A fews weeks ago I had my first microdermal anchor done. I went to Selfridges of all places but the studio there is Metal Morphosis whom I trust and there aren't a lot of places that seem to do them yet.

The piercer was awesome. I swear doctors could learn heaps off the beside manors and people skills of piercers. They put you totally at ease. So the dude had a pinch of my skin to check there was enough of it and explained the chances of rejection and all that jazz. Then he sent me off to buy some chocolate because I hadn't eaten within the hour. The chocolate from the food hall cost almost as much as the piercing itself! Plus I was having my lip ring changed to a stud and didn't want a mouth full of gunk.

So off we go into this tiny side room and he explains how the microdermals take a bit longer than regular piercings and such. This guy was the nicest guy and had some amazing work done as did the receptionist.

So he marks me up and I get him to move the mark and we talk about good placing for them and how he won't do them close to eyes and how it's best to have them were there is fat but not much movement and while there isn't much fat on the face there isn't much movement so it's an okay placing.

Finally I lie down and I have a moment of 'what the hell am I doing'. The dermal punch went in really smoothly, it was far less of a sharp pain than a piercing and really not that bad at all. Fitting in the anchor was done amazingly fast and I didn't feel it at all. Spent some time with a bunch of tissue on my face because it bled a lot then he put on the top, that got a little nippy but he was really good about saying 'if it hurts scream and shout'. More tissue then I sat up and he cleaned me up and I had to have a big old plaster on 'just pretend you got in a fight' and was done.

All round 10/10 experience.

I had a black eye for about a week after but aside from that the healing has been far easier than say a lip ring that you fiddle with without noticing. At one point, after flinging myself around on some roller coasters, the bottom of the jewel didn't seem to be sitting quite as flush but I have been taping it at night and it's settling nicely.

Jakey was very against me having it done but I am so pleased I did. I love it, though I have noticed people do a little double take when they look at me.

I have been self medicating with: Sparkly face.

Bring on the vulva horns!

2010-06-23T14:15:00.001+01:00

I have been self medicating with:

The World (furry) cup.

2010-06-22T18:18:00.002+01:00

Things went from bad to worse to a bit better again with my family. I had an explosion including Jakey ringing at the wrong time and my releasing a bajillion eff bombs at him down the phone.

Poor dude. He tolerates.

But then I watched Pooti Tang at his suggestion so I guess I tolerate a bit too.

The GP has fucked up my prescription again only issuing a weeks meds when they are eant to do 4-6 weeks worth but on weekly dispensing.

I got to speak to my CPN about the fairly stuff yesterday morning and feel a lot better. Just need to find ways to remove myself a little.

I've managed to catch the sun which takes some effort for an agoraphobic and keep asking Jakey to cream me which makes him laugh.

I have been self medicating with: Vulva horns

The bees!

2010-06-14T14:43:00.003+01:00

It is hard being angry at someone you love. My sister is driving me insane. INSANE. We were meant to go out today, so I set my alarm and get up even though really I want to stay under the covers and listen to the radio. I ring my folks house and ask can she ring me back because we are meant to be leaving in an hour. She doesn't so I ring her mobile (because she is in bed) and ask what is up. She grunts at me, there is barely language, seriously, so I say I am not forcing her to go and she says 'well I told everyone I didn't want to go'. This is bare faced bullshit. So I ask who she told and what she said and after a bit of 'everyone' etc she concedes she just responded 'yeah' in a grouchy voice when reminded about going out. I'm like wtf? Just say if you don't want to go. And she could have phoned me to say in stead of making me chase it up.

It irks me because it was meant to be something nice and she ruined it by being selfish. Had she just said 'I don't fancy it' in the first place it would have been no problem. No thank you for asking. No sorry to say this at the last minute.

This is the second time recently after I offered her my theatre ticket and instead of saying thanks for the offer she gets all mardy that she 'never said she wanted to go' which is another complete fiction.

We stayed up late last night because Jakey had me watching 'The Swarm' the most ridiculous film about killer bees which is over 2 hours long. Michael Caine is an expert who does bugger all for most of the movie save screaming at people not to gas killer bees because it will wreck the environment. His final solution is to.... no wait get this.... spread oil over the gulf of Mexico - where BP have just got in big shit for spreading oil and wrecking the environment, and burning the bees when they land on it. The only man capable of developing an antidote to reverse the killer bee venom decides it is politic to test it on himself and dies. A nuclear reactor is exploded by killer bees. OMG it's so so silly.

I have been self medicating with: Taking a shit load of stuff to the charity shop.

2010-06-07T16:55:00.004+01:00

I was talking to my CPN this morning and she asked how come I could go to a concert but have trouble crossing a particular road - the one I must cross to pick up my stupid weekly supply of meds. My agoraphobia or anxiety of course doesn't make a blind bit of sense.

Where I can go isn't demarked by some set area around my flat, 100m in any direction. Turning right out of my front door is mostly fine, I can walk to the Underground Station and use a couple of lines quite happily as long as I don't go too far. Turning left out of the front door is less comfortable and I can only walk about 5 minutes that way before it becomes anxiety provoking.

This stuff also depends who I am with. Some people I am more comfortable around than others so can go further afield with. My Mum is a confident London explorer so I feel fine round her as is one of my Sisters. My Dad is a slightly more anxious person which makes me slightly more anxious but we do ok. Jakey is a good person to be with except he hates to go to most of the things I like. C'est la vie.

I have been self medicating with: Dr Pepper Zero

I love Aja

2010-05-27T11:40:00.002+01:00

Had a good meeting with my CPN this morning which reassured me about some of the changes due to be happening at the CMHT. That Dr areyouagoth!! might not even be my consultant then depending on how things get sorted out. I still feel a bit like I am going to be in this situation of do DBT or stay in this limbo. But trying to reflect this time seeing my CPN hasn't been a limbo. I have made improvements. I have learnt to trust someone and not have to come home after talking to her analysing everything I said and she said in fits of paranoia. A feel able to talk openly about things and I have made a load of improvements. I have finished my degree! Unbelieveable!

Things are very hard at home because one of my Mum's close relatives is very ill. It is so hard to see her so sad and not really be able to do anything. And my youngest sister doesn't seem to get it that she needs to suck it up and stop behaving so spoilt. Honestly she is on WoW 20 hours a day and when she isn't on it she is in her room. She hardly bothers to talk to anyone, you ask her to go places and she says no, and really she should be running her ass off to do things to make my Mum's life more comfortable not aruguing and being petulant.

She is very sensitive and feels everyone is ganging up on her and gets hurt feelings a lot. But she doesn't realise other people feelings get hurt when she just comes up stairs says hi and gets on the computer then when she has to get off it goes to her room.

I have been self medicating with:

Making waves

2010-05-20T15:35:00.003+01:00

Jakey has been telling me since the recession began that in 2011 the financial shit is going to hit the fan in terms of public services.

Yesterday my CPN told me that the CMHT is going to undergo a shake up with the way resources are allocated being changed, possibly being far more diagnosis based than they are now. This may suck for several reasons. My current diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder lends itself to DBT. We do have specialist clinics for DBT in my area but I have problems with it, and it has problems with me. Seems DBT is ideal for people who want to use 'Wise Mind' to help them give up their destructive emotionally charged behaviours. But the relationship between my emotions and behaviours doesn't fit the model. And I find 'minfulness' the biggest pile of naff crap ever.

Problem two. The head honcho 'are you a goth' psychiatrist holds much of the cards especially in terms of diagnosis. He can change or remove them as is his want, in spite of not knowing understanding or being able to know me. Epistemologically we are on opposite poles in terms of everything. Which would be alright except he seems to believe because of this we are working towards different goals when the assumption should be we are working towards the same thing, i.e. me being 'better'. The gulf of understanding between myself and said shrink make me feel unstable and vulnerable at the best of times.

The person whom I trust and value is my CPN, who actually respects I am telling the truth if I say 'I don't know' and who is the one person I have been able to talk to openly about my self harm without judgement. It has helped me try and learn about it myself and understand what it's function is for me.

And she is going to be leaving.

I feel a bit at sea.

I am much more stable and able to cope with life without support than I was, but I still need that support. I still feel I have a ways to go.

I am scared the shrink will try and discharge me from the CMHT before I am ready, or change my diagnosis or do something weird.

I have been self medicating with: One exam to go.

Dead arm, dead arm

2010-05-11T11:54:00.003+01:00

Yesterday I sat my 5 hour exam. Ow my hand was about to die by the end. That stupid annoying hairy woman came in at the last minute and made a big old fuss. Piss off with your distracting-ness.

Played some Tomb Raider last night. I do love my XBox. Except some glitchy ting happened where I was shooting this mechano prawn type creature for about ten minutes stuck in a rocky crevace and realised the thing had got stuck. Back to the start of the level. Annoyance.

See my CPN tomorrow.

So much revision to do.

I have been self medicating with: One down

A new hope

2010-05-07T15:12:00.003+01:00

I'm feeling quite good today. I have read the papers for my exam on Monday and think it is going to be ok. It's weird. I had this semi reflective moment of how far things have come. Here I am preparing to sit my finals, ready to start my MSc. Me the fuck up who used to think she was going nowhere and capable of nothing. Serial A&E botherer, rollercoaster riding from one crisis to the next. Scarred, belligerent, miserable, complaining about service and access to them, holding grudges about DBT and reacting to professionals comments angrily and not in the most useful manor.

I can kinda see why people with BPD can sometimmes be like a cancerous growth on the mental health system. By it's kind of a viscious circle. Distaint for you makes you act in ways which breed distain.

I feel more in control of my life and consequently myself. Not the other way round mind but you can't win them all. I feel incredibly supported by my Uni with regards to my mental health and that means one hell of a lot.

I voted yesterday and did feel rather disingenuous and weird afterwards. There was a queue can you believe it.

I have been self medicating with: Ideas bouncing round in my brain.

To vote or not to vote

2010-05-06T08:39:00.003+01:00

I am fed up of hearing 'Go out and vote, it doesn't matter who for, just vote, or spoil your paper, but make sure your voice is heard'. Going out and voting for someone just for the sake, or spoiling your paper, or not voting because you can't be bothered all means essentially the same thing - all are acts of about as much significance as scratching your ass. And yes I know women and black people died for the vote, but that was a vote for something, they didn't die to have the opportunity to spoil their ballot paper or vote for whoever comes top of the list just to show they ticked a box.

I hate the assumption that people don't vote because they can't be bothered. The more inspiring politics becomes, the more people will vote, because there will be things to vote for.

Saying that, I am also increasingly sick of the intellectual 'elite' complaining about the vacuity of party politics and bemoaning the fact that today's party politics revolves more around individual issues and specific policies than a party adhering to a grand set of values.

I do care about how much of my time is caught on CCTV, the freedom pass, how much of my council tax is going to be spent (wasted) on recycling, class sizes, whether the Whittington A&E is closed or not, and if you mould together all the little things I care about, my stance on them, you do get a coherent whole, a set of principles I feel are important. I am sure I am not the only person like this, far from it. In a time where some would bemoan politics is dead, it's time to stop looking back to the 'good old days' when you could support the workers and coal miners and be blue about the blues and start finding a new way to be inspired, interested and hence inspiring and interesting. It's sad that political commentary feels as dead lost and confused as the commentators assert the political parties to be.

The assertion by default that one is vacuous by being interested in particular issues, individual policies, local 'administration' is just as bad as the converse assumption.

I think the turn out this time around will be better than last time because people feel inspired by it no longer being so explicitly a two horse race and because the opposition are no longer utterly unelectable.

I am jumping on the lib dem bandwagon for several reasons. The promise to scrap tuition fees for all first degree students, the promise to scrap ID cards, the promise to cut class sizes, our local candidate has campaigned for new council housing, the promise the lib dems will 'not renew Britain’s Trident nuclear deterrent system with an equivalent modernised system' ok this does mean there will be other unspecified nuclear stuffs but it's a start.

I have been self medicating with: Coke zero

The end

2010-04-28T11:57:00.002+01:00

So I have attended my final lecture and tutorial of my degree. How scary it has gone so fast. To think where I was four years ago. Terrified of everything, certain this degree would be impossible and doing it anyway out of some kind of desperation that I had to do something. All the panics along the way. Phew.

I have been accepted to do an MSc which brings the same feeling of fear, and I'm thinking this is another one of those things I have to do anyway, even though it's terrifying, even though I am sure I will be the most stupid person there.

The mental health mentor from Uni called me yesterday just to check I was doing ok and is going to help sorting out issues with the MSc and putting in a mitigating circumstances form to cover my course work when I was messed up and OD-ing. At least with staying at teh same Uni I feel supported and that I know some people there for if things go tits up.

I generally feel less terrified than I used to. Of going out, of being round people, of myself. I till have my exams to get through and this blasted psychiatrist appointment on Friday but maybe just maybe things are coming together.

I have been self medicating with: Coke zero

2010-04-26T15:39:00.002+01:00

Since restarting duloxetine I am feeling much more positive about everything. Went running today for the first time in ages. Need to get hardcore settled into my revision but I think I have enough time to do that.

The main thing looming in the future is my CPA review this Friday. I do not want to see Dr Are You are Goth???? He always leaves me feeling patronised, miserable, confused and unstable. There is a chance he will have triple booked himself so I will see someone else - please please please. Still seeing any psychiatrist scares me. You see them for like 20 minutes every 6 months but what they take form that meeting stays with you, in your notes, your diagnosis, treatment recommendations or not. They judge you. I hate that. It's fucking freaking me out.

I have been self medicating with: Coke zero

On Politics

2010-04-21T16:25:00.002+01:00

I have been too busy navel gazing to say much about le election. I did watch the Leaders debate on TV. There were some lulls. David Cameron telling us 'I spoke to a black man' like that alone should win him something. Brown then talks about how he visited a hospital full of sick babies (sick black babies?) and they spent quite a bit of time with one calling 'funding' 'waste' and the other calling 'waste' 'funding'. I can see why Clegg seemed a refreshing change. Not because of how he spoke, but what he said. I can't remember much of what the other two said but Clegg seemed to have clear proposals for the immigration 'issue' (which btw I do not agree with but he was clearer than the fluff of the other two) that he wanted to cut class sizes massively and stop funding trident (yay).

It was sad all the disucssion about crime was mainly directed into concerns about young people, their education and their having enough 'activities' to do. I don;t know how this whole thing will play out but people seem much more excited about it this time around compared to the last one, and that can only be a good thing.

I have been self medicating with: Coffee

2010-04-21T10:10:00.002+01:00

I saw my GP this morning. He switchhed my meds back. He said I looked great, my tattoos were good, I looked normal and so much better than I had two years ago and 'congratulations' which made me feel really good. That things have changed and I am better than I was.

He said basically I am the expert when it comes to my meds so he was fine to change it. I got a few weeks supply and it would be put on repeat once he had heard from my CPN that all was well as I am still vulnurable and they want to keep me suported through this. I was really suprised how well it went and how much I felt my needs were being considered especially as I have found him somewhat awkward to talk to before.

Got up at 7am which was hard especially after I am sure I heard the radio tell me it was 2am while I was still lying in bed waiting to drop off.

I have been self medicating with: Meds - funnily enough

2010-04-16T14:05:00.003+01:00

I need to get off this venlafaxine and back on duloxetine. I hate feeling exhausted all the time. I wake up and want to bury my head under the covers and hide forever. Then I get up and feel angry at everything and nothing. That kind of horrible hating yourself anger. And then it takes me so long to get a hold on myself and get going.

I have managed to run twice this week, it helps it stays light for so long I have time to dig myself out of my slump and find my trainers. I feel crappy about my body and what I have been doing to it.

I have been self medicating with: Juice

Hot hot hot

2010-04-09T11:36:00.003+01:00

And with the first signs of summer comes the heat and the problems of clothing.
It's not just about not exposing my self harm for fear of running into family members. I am hung up on this feeling that it is somehow *wrong* to expose scars. Sometimes I think other self harmers can be the most judgmental mind and the first to leap to the 'doing it for attention' stereotype, because we know in some way it is about that, not directly as in 'look at me and how I hurt oh woe I is emo' but about deserving something. Or... I don't know. Scars and wounds, injuries, they are not silent, they are visible and that component of self harm can't be overlooked.

Especially when it's hot and you want to go running without overheating or go somewhere and not arrive in a puddle of sweat.

I have also burnt my mousing arm which is a pain as I end up sticking to my desk half the time.

Feels like it has been a difficult week. I need to sort my meds out because this is doing nothing for me other than lifting me from under the duvet depression to unmotivated blah.

Saw my CPN this morning and for the first time in ages came away riddled with paranoia about what she thought of me and all that junk.

Because of that I managed to get up early an hopefully have corrected my fucked up sleeping pattern. Or not sleeping pattern. I just need to get back on the band wagon of healthy eating rather than the old binge/restrict stupidity and things will be a lot better.

I told Jakey about my last self harm incident and he was unbelievably cool about it. It was really hard to do though, the 'oh hai I has self harmed mahselfs'. I need to change my blood doning appointment because the stuff on my blood doning arm hasn't healed and although they are ok with old scars fresh crap isn't cool.

It's felt like a harm couple of weeks and that the solution to it all is this vast gulf of 'I need to be better'. Treat myself better, treat other people better, manage my time, my house, my revision, eating, moods, sleep, all of it better. It's so much.

I have been self medicating with: Diet Kick

Oops, Whoops, and general face palmage

2010-04-06T10:18:00.002+01:00

I OD'd again. Which royally sucks ass and I mortified, ashamed, embarrassed and feel like the biggest tool in the box. I also accidentally absconded from the hospital and had to be taken back in a police van. Oi.

I spoke to my CPN yesterday about how to avoid these impulsive moments of utter stupidity. I am going to get Jakey a mobile so I can text him when he is out of his office. Being in e-mail contact with him during the day is far more important than I realised. Otherwise I feel alone and unanchored. I'm also going to get a radio for the front room to keep me company. I am such a radio junky and have the one in the bedroom on all night so I need a day time one too. I can use the internet for radio but sometimes it fails and having the computer on all the time isn't ideal.

I also need to get more into doing 'activities' which kind of fell off during my depressed period. Playing piano, juggling, more more more video games. And printing off the list of crisis numbers so it is closer to hand than stored away in my e-mail.

The mentor from Uni called again and has sent a letter supporting my mitigating circumstances jazz to the school office so I just have to drop my form in and that is another thing done.

I have been self medicating with: Oracle suggesting antibiotics for a virus. For shame.

Up up and?

2010-03-26T12:51:00.003Z

So Tuesday I went to see my GP who increased the dose of my meds up to 225mg
It's a bit of a pain having the weekly scripts but it avoids any OD pitfallage so I'll take it. She saw me early because I arrived a bit early so avoided waiting amongst the coughers and sneezers. Yay.

Saw my CPN on Thursday morning who was really nice, we talked a lot about managing my self harm and Jakey's reaction. How he wants me to tell him when I have done it but I find that so hard because he thinks it is due to him and wants to know what with and exactly when looking for some element which could be eliminated in order for it not to happen again. She asked me how I would like him to respond which was a hard question. I suppose I would just like him to say he's not angry with me. Is that wrong?

I know people can't condone my self harm, but I wish he could be critical or against the action without being critical of me myself.

She said it would be okay for him to go with me to one of our appointments so we could try and talk things through in a less charged atmosphere and help me be open with him.

I'm certainly not feeling as hopeless or 'what is the point' as I was. Last night I had to go out and i had been worrying about it all week but it was fine and I had a relaxed evening so I feel much better about life in general, and I bought myself some beautiful new MAC eyeshadow as a reward for getting all my coursework in.

Determined to go for a run today and try and begin to pick up my life, tidy up the flat, start eating properly again.

I have been self medicating with: MAC Idol Eyes

2010-03-22T15:27:00.003Z

I haven't written for ages what with having millions of work to do and being depressed.

Seeing the GP tomorrow who will hopefully crossed fingers toes and eyes raise my medication dose.

I got my final piece of course work in and have agreed with the mental health support worker to submit a mitigating circumstances form to cover that and the dissertation as I have been so ill post OD.

Self harming has been a bit of an issue recently but I haven't taken any more overdoses and haven't utterly fucked up my degree. If I do well in the exams then it's all good. It's just been really hard recently feeling so shit not to let my life slide backwards. I know once I get on the proper dose of meds my motivation and feeling things are worth a shit will return, I just have to not fuck up everything until then.

Finished Batman Arkham Asylum. Awesome game, absolutely beautiful though I am not exactly 100% on what they did with Harley Quinn. It was short though and once you have completed the story it feels a bit redundant running around to finish up all the ridler extras and things. I may start GTA IV next.

Been reading DMZ and Transmetropolitian too and just trying to keep things ticking over.

Had a hard weekend last week when it was my sisters Birthday and my other sister brought her boyfriend along. Ok this boyfriend, he has been really good for her in a lot of ways. She has her own life and is far less dependent on the family, she goes out more and they travel loads. However, he is fucking annoying. He talks loudly non stop and his language is appalling, like I know everyone lets the odd f-bomb slip but he seems to make no effort to hold it in in front of my parents which is really disrespectful. On this particular occasion he arrived drunk and was so bad my Dad actually told him to stop. He was expressing all these racist homophobic views and just running his mouth off. It was bad enough that it wouldn't have been right to politely ignore him and I told him to stop several times too and picked him up on it.

But I don't want my sister to feel ostracised because he acts like a dick.

Jakey is always so polite when he sees my folks, what he doesn't realise is that he is such a kind gentle person and it really comes across when he talks to people. He listens to what they say and is interested and has interesting things to contribute. There is an un self consciousness about him which is very giving. Someone at his work talked to him recently about a lot of her problems and I tried to explain to him that the fact that she could do that was a testament to his good character. I think because he has been a drunk in the past he thinks there is some bad person suppressed underneath but it couldn't be further from the truth. Yes he struggles with things, aspergers and OCD are hard things to deal with, but he is a kind good person. If a monstrously lazy one.

I have been self medicating with: Rasin Bakes

The Burt Locker

2010-03-05T16:35:00.002Z

We watched the Hurt Locker last night. It would have been called the Burt Locker had it been made on Sesame Street. In spite of all the camera in the face stuff it felt quite as though the audience were being kept at arms length. The acting was brilliant and it definitely kept you enthralled. There were a couple of odd beats towards the end, like, we get it with the millions of cereal one shot is enough type beats.

It was certainly different to watch a film about the army which focused on well trained competent soldiers who weren't just coasting and hoping for the best a la Jar Head.

And you did get this weird feeling of being in a place where the people you are there to protect or save are not necessarily your friends or welcome your presence.

But the whole thing felt like a character study that got lost in itself somewhere.

The style reminded me of... Gomorrah. The realistic feel, the letting the story being a backdrop to the characters, the freedom to think what you want while watching without feeling overly directed, Gomorrah was a much better movie though.

I have been self medicating with: Cats